So the biggest curveball of 2018 will not be going to corporate but of walking away from a friendship. I see the biggest curveball being that because I have been friends with Brinkley since the party days of 2004 and now we walk away from each other.
“Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the fateful limitations others have placed on their own lives. The vision of your true destiny does not reside within the blinkered outlook of the naysayers and the doom prophets. Judge not by their words, but accept advice based on the evidence of actual results. Do not be surprised should you find a complete absence of anything mystical or miraculous in the manifested reality of those who are so eager to advise you. Friends and family who suffer the lack of abundance, joy, love, fulfillment and prosperity in their own lives really have no business imposing their self-limiting beliefs on your reality experience.”
―
In 2013, I moved in with my friend, I had never lived on my own and remind you that college doesn't count for living on your own. College is just a lie that doesn't prepare you for much if you live there it's just a dumping ground. Hehehe!
Like I said, never lived alone, it was the scariest and saddest time of my life. I had just graduated from CPCC with my first degree and it took me forever and I mean I had made three changes in my degree and two colleges. My parents had just moved to Zephyrhills, Florida in 2013 as well. So it was time to move out. I cried a lot and I mean a lot. My brother's family wasn't much help and then they moved to Kentucky. What the hell, I was alone in NC. I never thought I was going to be thousands of miles away from anyone that loved me. Biological family in NY, sister in Arizona, Brother in Kentucky and my parents in God's waiting room, aka Florida.
I would have breakdowns on the bus, on the train, and at work. I would leave work an ethereal mess. So day one of being on my own I had to figure out where to work and how to get there. I didn't have a car so I had to take the bus and train. I wasn't making very much so I was struggling. It felt like the odds were against me. I have always struggled in some aspect but now it was to live or die time. So It's five years later a bunch of good and bad life choices but I'm still struggling with a little improvement.
I became roommates with Brinkley with him needing a roommate and I needed a place to live. I didn't really put too many feelers out, I think. It was rough, he didn't know much about me and failed to learn, I feel like what needed to have been learned. It falls on me too, I don't like confrontation and he would get drunk and come home and I'd have to go to work the next day early because I had to travel. The living arrangement wasn't ideal for me but it was a place to live. If I were homeless I would have died. So I'm grateful for having him as a roommate but I feel like he really didn't enrich my life. I feel like I catalyzed him being forced to be more mature. I don't think he understands me still and that's okay, it certainly makes me sad but it's not the end of the world.
He has in his mind tried to help. One of the coolest things he ever did for me was help get me in at Best Buy but that wasn't for me. It might have been but seeing the future unfold it's good that I'm not there. There are a few things that gave me anxiety while living there. The very first thing that went wrong was Brinkley and his cousin called me a nigger, most hurtful thing to call a friend. Not just calling me that, they made a sign saying welcome home nigger. They were drunk, not an excuse but I feel like your true self, comes out in drunken moments. Like I'm struggling and shutting myself off to the world and trying to work two jobs that will pay rent because I can't find a full time without a car.
He called me a nigger for I don't know why. I would have to say because to him it seemed like I wasn't a hard working guy or I don't know but it hurt for 5 years and there's only one outside person who knows. Then over the years, he's had his friend, Brad, sit down and try to talk to me, like I'm going to tell a stranger that I don't understand his goals to talk to me about my work life and things that he won't sit down to do. He even had his friend, Joey, talk to me about quitting Belk. Really, I'd would never in a million years say, hey you're blind and they won't make you a manager, so you should quit Best Buy. His friend wouldn't want to work with me if I sold my car, I'd be no good to him anyway, I'd need to be mobile. He's had Jose, the crusader for other people's injustices, talk to me about rent but he uses me and wonders why I don't have money. I helped him out with his rent more than anyone should help someone not willing to go above and beyond to pay you back.
I love the guy and he was one of my closest friends after. He went through some stuff that I'll give him some leeway but not a pass. Loss of a loved one is not a license to be an asshole to your roommate who is trying to be there for you.
I do appreciate all the changes to his life and growth he's made, stopped drinking for a while after he drank himself into oblivion but drinks in moderation now. He's a good listener if I didn't have anxiety trying to talk about something. Five years is a book if I had the courage to write and remember it all.
In August I asked him after we talked about me being late, I guess this year has been the hardest since I added a car to my expenses but I should have gotten a cheaper car, another story. He said you should get rid of your car, sell it and pay the loan back. That's not how cars work, if I sell it, give the money to Capital One then have no car, I'm still paying on a car I can't drive nor own. I text him with 8 to 10 days left in August saying, hey man I'd like to move out. I asked him 5 days prior in a text because it's hard to pin appropriate times to talk down, do you want me to move out, the usual response to anything important, nothing. So I told him in the text I wanted to move out. Then he assumes I'll live out of my car and I should give him $400 for not having enough time to get another roommate and still go on vacation. I owe him $68 dollars, legitimately and I want to give him more, I feel bad on that part but not a whole months rent. So I found a place that is okay for now but my goal is to be self-reliant and on my own. I have a roommate who is a little condescending but it will work out. I just need to say something about how I feel or just keep to myself.
So now I'm moved and paying a flat rate for rent and trying to fix my car payment. I have a friend that owes me money out the ass for bailing him out of jail and fixing eviction problem a year ago. He has paid me nothing towards it. It hurts to think I'll lose a friend over money but I see he cares more about things he thinks are an injustice that keeping his friendship. We'll see how that plays out, I might be out another friend.
This year because I bailed a friend out of jail that hasn't come thru on paying back what he owes, I've tried to get a few new jobs. I went and had interviews for things I didn't want to do. I even worked one night at a club as security. I lost money that weekend because I worked at Belk that morning, the club that night then Belk in the morning, and had to call out from Pier 1. I was so off all day. That's three jobs and I had a break down the next day and soul searched my life.
I don't budget well and this is the hardest life lesson I think I'll ever learn. Never bail anyone out again, never loan them money ever again without expecting to never see it again. I've lost two credit cards due to struggling to keep my bills in line. I owe a therapist money for two visits that I can't pay back and meds I can't buy to help my nerves in my arms. I didn't expect to be in this situation and not have anyone to turn to, I made a mess that I keep trying to get myself out of.
I'm working two part-time jobs still but making more to pay bills. I get paid considerably different wages at the different jobs so it's discouraging when paycheck time comes. The thing I want the most in my career life right now is about to open a new chapter, November 2nd is my anniversary at Belk, I can apply to different jobs in the company and go management in training as well. It's an exciting time. I need to wash the toxic past behind me and move on a to brighter future. I have always asked for one chance to shine and I have at Belk incredibly.
The quote sums this whole article up, I have dreams to be normal because I have such a diverse range of mental illness. I want to be stable and have a life that someone would later want to share with me.
“Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the fateful limitations others have placed on their own lives. The vision of your true destiny does not reside within the blinkered outlook of the naysayers and the doom prophets. Judge not by their words, but accept advice based on the evidence of actual results. Do not be surprised should you find a complete absence of anything mystical or miraculous in the manifested reality of those who are so eager to advise you. Friends and family who suffer the lack of abundance, joy, love, fulfillment and prosperity in their own lives really have no business imposing their self-limiting beliefs on your reality experience.”
―
In 2013, I moved in with my friend, I had never lived on my own and remind you that college doesn't count for living on your own. College is just a lie that doesn't prepare you for much if you live there it's just a dumping ground. Hehehe!
Like I said, never lived alone, it was the scariest and saddest time of my life. I had just graduated from CPCC with my first degree and it took me forever and I mean I had made three changes in my degree and two colleges. My parents had just moved to Zephyrhills, Florida in 2013 as well. So it was time to move out. I cried a lot and I mean a lot. My brother's family wasn't much help and then they moved to Kentucky. What the hell, I was alone in NC. I never thought I was going to be thousands of miles away from anyone that loved me. Biological family in NY, sister in Arizona, Brother in Kentucky and my parents in God's waiting room, aka Florida.
I would have breakdowns on the bus, on the train, and at work. I would leave work an ethereal mess. So day one of being on my own I had to figure out where to work and how to get there. I didn't have a car so I had to take the bus and train. I wasn't making very much so I was struggling. It felt like the odds were against me. I have always struggled in some aspect but now it was to live or die time. So It's five years later a bunch of good and bad life choices but I'm still struggling with a little improvement.
I became roommates with Brinkley with him needing a roommate and I needed a place to live. I didn't really put too many feelers out, I think. It was rough, he didn't know much about me and failed to learn, I feel like what needed to have been learned. It falls on me too, I don't like confrontation and he would get drunk and come home and I'd have to go to work the next day early because I had to travel. The living arrangement wasn't ideal for me but it was a place to live. If I were homeless I would have died. So I'm grateful for having him as a roommate but I feel like he really didn't enrich my life. I feel like I catalyzed him being forced to be more mature. I don't think he understands me still and that's okay, it certainly makes me sad but it's not the end of the world.
He has in his mind tried to help. One of the coolest things he ever did for me was help get me in at Best Buy but that wasn't for me. It might have been but seeing the future unfold it's good that I'm not there. There are a few things that gave me anxiety while living there. The very first thing that went wrong was Brinkley and his cousin called me a nigger, most hurtful thing to call a friend. Not just calling me that, they made a sign saying welcome home nigger. They were drunk, not an excuse but I feel like your true self, comes out in drunken moments. Like I'm struggling and shutting myself off to the world and trying to work two jobs that will pay rent because I can't find a full time without a car.
He called me a nigger for I don't know why. I would have to say because to him it seemed like I wasn't a hard working guy or I don't know but it hurt for 5 years and there's only one outside person who knows. Then over the years, he's had his friend, Brad, sit down and try to talk to me, like I'm going to tell a stranger that I don't understand his goals to talk to me about my work life and things that he won't sit down to do. He even had his friend, Joey, talk to me about quitting Belk. Really, I'd would never in a million years say, hey you're blind and they won't make you a manager, so you should quit Best Buy. His friend wouldn't want to work with me if I sold my car, I'd be no good to him anyway, I'd need to be mobile. He's had Jose, the crusader for other people's injustices, talk to me about rent but he uses me and wonders why I don't have money. I helped him out with his rent more than anyone should help someone not willing to go above and beyond to pay you back.
I love the guy and he was one of my closest friends after. He went through some stuff that I'll give him some leeway but not a pass. Loss of a loved one is not a license to be an asshole to your roommate who is trying to be there for you.
I do appreciate all the changes to his life and growth he's made, stopped drinking for a while after he drank himself into oblivion but drinks in moderation now. He's a good listener if I didn't have anxiety trying to talk about something. Five years is a book if I had the courage to write and remember it all.
In August I asked him after we talked about me being late, I guess this year has been the hardest since I added a car to my expenses but I should have gotten a cheaper car, another story. He said you should get rid of your car, sell it and pay the loan back. That's not how cars work, if I sell it, give the money to Capital One then have no car, I'm still paying on a car I can't drive nor own. I text him with 8 to 10 days left in August saying, hey man I'd like to move out. I asked him 5 days prior in a text because it's hard to pin appropriate times to talk down, do you want me to move out, the usual response to anything important, nothing. So I told him in the text I wanted to move out. Then he assumes I'll live out of my car and I should give him $400 for not having enough time to get another roommate and still go on vacation. I owe him $68 dollars, legitimately and I want to give him more, I feel bad on that part but not a whole months rent. So I found a place that is okay for now but my goal is to be self-reliant and on my own. I have a roommate who is a little condescending but it will work out. I just need to say something about how I feel or just keep to myself.
So now I'm moved and paying a flat rate for rent and trying to fix my car payment. I have a friend that owes me money out the ass for bailing him out of jail and fixing eviction problem a year ago. He has paid me nothing towards it. It hurts to think I'll lose a friend over money but I see he cares more about things he thinks are an injustice that keeping his friendship. We'll see how that plays out, I might be out another friend.
This year because I bailed a friend out of jail that hasn't come thru on paying back what he owes, I've tried to get a few new jobs. I went and had interviews for things I didn't want to do. I even worked one night at a club as security. I lost money that weekend because I worked at Belk that morning, the club that night then Belk in the morning, and had to call out from Pier 1. I was so off all day. That's three jobs and I had a break down the next day and soul searched my life.
I don't budget well and this is the hardest life lesson I think I'll ever learn. Never bail anyone out again, never loan them money ever again without expecting to never see it again. I've lost two credit cards due to struggling to keep my bills in line. I owe a therapist money for two visits that I can't pay back and meds I can't buy to help my nerves in my arms. I didn't expect to be in this situation and not have anyone to turn to, I made a mess that I keep trying to get myself out of.
I'm working two part-time jobs still but making more to pay bills. I get paid considerably different wages at the different jobs so it's discouraging when paycheck time comes. The thing I want the most in my career life right now is about to open a new chapter, November 2nd is my anniversary at Belk, I can apply to different jobs in the company and go management in training as well. It's an exciting time. I need to wash the toxic past behind me and move on a to brighter future. I have always asked for one chance to shine and I have at Belk incredibly.
The quote sums this whole article up, I have dreams to be normal because I have such a diverse range of mental illness. I want to be stable and have a life that someone would later want to share with me.