My life in Quotes

 Originally when I titled this entry I was obsessed with death or my own death. I wished I was dead and boy did I ever. I would think about getting t-boned by a tractor-trailer or flipping my car off the embankment. I am sober because of health reasons and that I would kill myself with alcohol and pills. It's a somber thought to think about. I also titled this entry because I binged "The Good Place" and it resonated with me as did it make me happy. “Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I’m gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.” – Michael,  The Good Place I take a cocktail of meds and I haven't been thinking about death nearly as much. I feel like I'm winning and that possibly I'm in a good place. I take Vraylar, Lamictal, Zoloft, and Trazadone for sleep. They seem to be working together very w...

  The art of Being Me Blowing out the side walls of the heart. Walking through the rubble. Examining the dust and rubble. This is not a love story. This is a renovation story. One year and many days from last November. There was a tragic accident. My heart was broken. Then I felt it would take six more years to find this feeling again. I like to believe my heart will stop racing someday. I am breaking down walls in my heart just for reconstruction. Getting ready for you. Rapidly speeding thoughts and emotions. I believe this is a manic moment. Manic moments are the best. Creativity spews from my essence. One day my heart will stop beating. But my essence, my creativity will live on in my offspring. The only thing I fear about them being me. I fear them being me. Manic, wild, creative, live wires just like me. So about that reconstruction, it cannot wait. Maybe just a moment, so I can rest my mind. Maybe I will just sip on some time.

  I'm constantly reminded every morning that I have a disease. I take a few little pills that make life relatively easier. Today isn't one of those days. I'm super frustrated, sad, and have a crazy headache. It's not that I enjoy talking about the reality of what goes on in my brain, this is new the talking about it, within the past couple of years. It's like tons of information got held back and for a while, I just talked and talked. I've gone through a lot and I'm really proud of myself for working hard and getting back into school last spring. I'm proud of how hard I work at simple life tasks that people take for granted. I'm proud of how hard I work just at a job and what I hope is seen by employers as my integrity. I'm really proud of being able to coach kids in flag football and how much I really enjoy it. Life is much better than it was even 2 years ago to a year ago. I keep moving forward and marching towards a brighter future. A lot of ...

“There were many, many times thereafter that Don regretted having enlisted - but so has every man who ever volunteered for military service.” ― Robert A. Heinlein, Between Planets It was the summer of 2002, I just had my college career was over as I thought it was so, I wanted a new life. I was struggling with an ongoing change inside of me. I had already manifested bipolar. I was interested in the idea of military service. People who join the military have many reasons some are noble, some are nefarious, some are based on a plea deal, and others a way to help get a new life. My choices were I wanted to have a new life and I did love my country very much. I went to the recruiting office of the Marines here in Charlotte. It was a sad day, I didn't get my chance to serve my country like others in my family. I was immensely hurt. I have found that when my bipolar gets in my way, the chip on my shoulder grows and the weight of having bipolar grows heavier. It wasn't f...

This is just a bunch of thoughts. They are interconnected on the basis that Facebook has a thing called timeline and it made me think at 2:30 am in the friggin morning. It helped me be grateful for where I've been and where I'm going. I've been in Charlotte since 1995, wow! I love this city and I've had a wild time here. I've made a ton of friends and if you ask this shy kid in 2003, would have ever touched so many lives and met so many amazing people, I'd have shit myself. Hahaha! I've worked for companies, left and been asked to rejoin them. I've had three recommendations to the police academy before I started CPCC. I've graduated high school from United Faith and I struggled with college and I overcame obstacles to get two Associates degrees and I'm working on getting a bachelor's degree again because it just didn't happen. I've had my heartbroken and had it pieced back together, a handful of times. I've played for the Jun...

It's all in your head and are you sure it's not all in your head or aren't you overthinking things? Man, if I could just not have it in my head but and on my Google Nexus tablet around my neck continually for everyone to see my brain  and the patterns  and levels of anguish I go through, it would be awesome. “One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.” ―  Carrie Fisher,  Wishful...

I wake up with music in my heart almost every day, I call it my heart song and it keeps me alive. This morning I woke up with Ed Sheran's "Beautiful People". Music is like a life force That I can tell you that I need to survive. I love to sleep but I love waking up, gives me a chance to be grateful again. I'm grateful, I'm on new medicines and I'm hanging in there but I'm exhausted from them and work. I just want to be normal, as in no drugs ever in my body. I don't drink or do recreational drugs just my bipolar meds and my new Gabapentin. So I had to unwind, so I took a melatonin and it helped me sleep but I woke up without an alarm at 7ish am. Yet this is how I feel quite often but it is wonderful to wake up with music in my head: We don't fit in well 'Cause we are just ourselves I could use some help Gettin' out of this conversation, yeah You look stunning, dear So don't ask that question here This is my only fear, that we becom...

Sometimes when I get my feelings hurt, I lash out, like yesterday. So, let me paint a picture around the landscape my mind is in. Currently, the climate of the nation is very depressing. We are under quarantine because of the outbreak of Covid-19. I'm stuck in a place I have no longer wanted to live in, for an unforeseeable future. I want to move out for the same reasons that have happened in the past with my ex-roommate, Brinkley. I don't like being irresponsible and now it has happened a few times, in my new living arrangement. I have had to ask for help with rent. I don't know if I'll ever get to live on my own and it's killing me. I want to be self-sufficient more than ever but I keep getting pushed back. What is going on that I can't see in the future? I also want to move out because I have a roommate that cannot stop inputting his opinions on where my money should go, as much as I love him. I started a new job and there has been stress around my new jo...

A Learning Experience By Joshua Paul Harke "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison I would like to believe that there is more to life than just suffering and feeling like we are in constant pity. We have to thrive, if we give in to the pain and suffering, we will perish. This is my take on the Thomas Edison quote. I am writing this to share my higher education journey while developing mental health illness. In 2001 I graduated from high school and I was one of Who’s Who Among American High School Students. I was a great kid; I was voted most school spirit at UFCA my senior year. I played ice hockey, soccer, baseball and I was the mascot in my school. I was very loved according to my yearbooks and senior memoirs. In my freshman year of 2001 that all changed. I went from a small Christian school to UNCC, which was a culture shock. Thousands of freshmen enter the halls...

There are 28k members in this group, somethings go passed over. A lot of us are struggling in life. I tend to hide my struggle but if you need some help there are many of us out there willing to listen and give advice. For me I know that this group has to be taken with a grain of salt because we all have so many issues just seeping out. Some really need help and some just need attention, which neither are bad things. I can even relate to a lady in the group who was saying she wanted to leave the group. 28k people with individual problems and similar diseases is overwhelming. Just be patient and don't rely on the group for everything, see your therapist and your doctor regularly if you can. Also I've said it before on deaf ears I feel like, do the next step, "don't feel like getting up, rub your eyes, stretch, get up in your own time, if you don't have plans. Take a shower, something I see we struggle with." Then start your day. Depression is real, anxiety i...

OMGRRRD! I never would have thought to make a blog in a million years, so to say. I was diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, ADHD and schizoaffective disorders. I believe because I was drinking and having an erratic sleep schedule on bipolar meds caused my Dr at the time to diagnose me with schizoaffective disorder. In the last week or so I was declassified as being schizoaffective!! Can I tell you how huge this is, I feel like I wasn't and that it was a misdiagnosis. I have been on such a great path for conquering stigma and living my best life possible. I love quotes, they help spark my creativity and this one is from a favorite book: “When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to sur...

Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fa ntasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.” ― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother I feel for me this is partially true, I lost my identity which in reality didn't matter. Being diagnosed at 19 years old with bipolar, teens and young adults, many don't know who they are any more or are searching for themselves. I didn't start realizing who I was still about 23 years old and started going back to school. I feel like sometimes we are a bit dramatic which is the gift and curse from having...

There is a time in our lives that we walk through the desert alone. Here is my story about how I crossed the line in the sand.  "I'm sure that I am enjoying my sobriety. And respect it. If you've been through what I've been through, then you really do treasure it." - Peter Frampton I'll revisit this quote and you'll see how I crossed the line into sobriety in the end.  All my teenage life up till college, I was told to not drink. Not because it was evil. Because my parents knew my chemical make up was different and I was going through changes. At 19 my bipolar 1 manifested at UNCC. It was insane and it was like I was far away from my family but I wasn't. I saw them on most weekends and they brought me home or took me out to eat. I don't remember my first college drink. I can rewind and tell you, yes I drank in high school but it was only in my senior year. Back to college... My mom told me about alcoholism and how it affects families. She ...