My life in Quotes

  Friends,      It's been a while since we've spoken. The semester is at a close, with 2 weeks left and I've put in almost 2 years into my attempt to break what I thought would be a curse. I struggle with money, social cues, dating, being shy, (believe it or not), and asking for help. I'm proud of myself for maintaining friendships and creating new ones. I'm proud of my courage to sing karaoke without liquid courage. I'm proud of my grades. I am proud of myself in that I have made some friends in my program which has made school easier. This semester I ran for student government and I have an upcoming interview for The Student Advisory Board for the disability department at UNCC. I've come a long way in that I have constant anxiety that three strikes and I'm out. That's the negative side of my brain. In reality, it should be, Third times the charm.      Having friends on campus and wanting to do big things in the campus community has helped me even...

  I'm constantly reminded every morning that I have a disease. I take a few little pills that make life relatively easier. Today isn't one of those days. I'm super frustrated, sad, and have a crazy headache. It's not that I enjoy talking about the reality of what goes on in my brain, this is new the talking about it, within the past couple of years. It's like tons of information got held back and for a while, I just talked and talked. I've gone through a lot and I'm really proud of myself for working hard and getting back into school last spring. I'm proud of how hard I work at simple life tasks that people take for granted. I'm proud of how hard I work just at a job and what I hope is seen by employers as my integrity. I'm really proud of being able to coach kids in flag football and how much I really enjoy it. Life is much better than it was even 2 years ago to a year ago. I keep moving forward and marching towards a brighter future. A lot of ...

“My heaviest burden is a past I can't change and nightmares that don't know how to forgive and forget.” ―  Nitya Prakash I don't remember anything about the day that I moved in but I remember talking about moving in. I was looking for somewhere to move because my parents decided to move to Florida. I'm reminded every year that it was coming and when it happened. I didn't want to move with them and you had a room I could rent. I am very grateful that I didn't have to move to Florida.  For a while, I was struggling and I didn't know how to explain my separation anxiety and I didn't even know anymore if we ever talked about my mental health. I do recall you sending your cousin and your friend to have conversations with me about what troubled me. It takes only one knife wound that doesn't heal to hurt a friendship and I'm talking about the night you called me a had a "Welcome Home Nigger" banner and I never spoke of it until I told...

I told my friend Erin today that I'm tired of being a good person. She's really insightful as she is still learning about herself. She has an ability to offer great insight which is great to be able to say something that is a real feeling and have it not invalidated. I didn't ask for advice but I got some great perspective from her. “Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.” ~ David Deida This quote is about the ENFJ personality type. I have spent quite a bit of time these past two weeks on this subject. It's great for introspective.  "Protagonists are natural-born leaders, full of passion and charisma. Forming around two percent of the population, they are oftentimes our politicians, our coaches, and our teachers, reac...

Sometimes when I get my feelings hurt, I lash out, like yesterday. So, let me paint a picture around the landscape my mind is in. Currently, the climate of the nation is very depressing. We are under quarantine because of the outbreak of Covid-19. I'm stuck in a place I have no longer wanted to live in, for an unforeseeable future. I want to move out for the same reasons that have happened in the past with my ex-roommate, Brinkley. I don't like being irresponsible and now it has happened a few times, in my new living arrangement. I have had to ask for help with rent. I don't know if I'll ever get to live on my own and it's killing me. I want to be self-sufficient more than ever but I keep getting pushed back. What is going on that I can't see in the future? I also want to move out because I have a roommate that cannot stop inputting his opinions on where my money should go, as much as I love him. I started a new job and there has been stress around my new jo...

My current favorite show is Brooklyn 99 and I'm on season 5 but in season 4 they tackled racism in the police force. It really made me think back to middle school. I have very vivid thoughts of racism that I had encountered before. Sergeant Jeffords is one of my favorite characters on the show. He's funny and caring. He always has his team's back in any situation that arises. The show isn't an accurate depiction of police life but it's very funny as well as a good distraction. Why this is so important to me has a few things I'll bring up that I'm very guarded to talk about with my friends. "Sergeant Jeffords: I wanted to help people like that cop helped me. But right now, I don't feel like a superhero. I feel the opposite. When I got stopped the other day, I wasn't a cop. I wasn't a guy who lived in a neighborhood looking for his daughter's toy. I was a black man, a dangerous black man. That's all he could see: a threat. And I c...

I'm going to attempt to explain anxiety: pretend you like flowers, you like roses and daisies. They both are beautiful and you plant them in your garden. You have a dog and you love him very much. You spent 10 hours planting the flowers. You let your dog out to potty and then he sniffs the flowers. Pees on a shepherd's hook and comes inside. All you could think about was the damn flowers getting peed on as he sniffed them. Then you sigh in relief as he pees on the shepherd's hook. Fast forward to lying in bed. An hour of sleep passes and you wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming your dog, that you love, dug up the flowers. Somewhere between sniffing, worrying about the flowers getting peed on and the ultimate worst thing that could happen to expensive flowers. You wake up thinking about your damn flowers and run downstairs to see if they're okay. Nothing happened to the flowers but sometimes one thought about how something could happen spirals out of control. It's n...

Joshua: "How's work?" Erin: "Can't complain. Running my team today. I get nervous. Learning curve" Joshua: "Oh... Hun, you got this!" “Inevitably we find ourselves tackling too many things at the same time, spreading our focus so thin that nothing gets the attention it deserves. This is commonly referred to as "being busy." Being busy, however, is not the same thing as being productive.” ― Ryder Carroll, The Bullet Journal Method: Track the Past, Order the Present, Design the Future   Joshua: "I'm looking up quotes about multitasking but everyone seems to have issues with it. So my advice is to just focus on the task at hand and move on to the next." "If they need something and you need something as far as learning, just ask questions." Erin: On her iPhone, loves the quote. In my head slacker... hahaha! Just kidding. Erin: "I love your advice. Now that's legit boss guidance, thanks." ...

OMGRRRD! I never would have thought to make a blog in a million years, so to say. I was diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, ADHD and schizoaffective disorders. I believe because I was drinking and having an erratic sleep schedule on bipolar meds caused my Dr at the time to diagnose me with schizoaffective disorder. In the last week or so I was declassified as being schizoaffective!! Can I tell you how huge this is, I feel like I wasn't and that it was a misdiagnosis. I have been on such a great path for conquering stigma and living my best life possible. I love quotes, they help spark my creativity and this one is from a favorite book: “When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to sur...

So the biggest curveball of 2018 will not be going to corporate but of walking away from a  friendship. I see the biggest curveball being that because I have been friends with Brinkley since the party days of 2004 and now we walk away from each other. “Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the fateful limitations others have placed on their own lives. The vision of your true destiny does not reside within the blinkered outlook of the naysayers and the doom prophets. Judge not by their words, but accept advice based on the evidence of actual results. Do not be surprised should you find a complete absence of anything mystical or miraculous in the manifested reality of those who are so eager to advise you. Friends and family who suffer the lack of abundance, joy, love, fulfillment and prosperity in their own lives really have no business imposing their self-limiting beliefs on your reality experience.” ― Anthon St. Maarten In 2013, I moved in with my friend, I had never lived...

Sometimes I feel childish when it comes to relationships. I want a relationship with this person like that person has... Stop it, why do I even want to be in a relationship with that person like that to begin with. The definition of childish in this text's context is foolish, silly or immature; of, like, or appropriate to a child: "childish enthusiasm" synonyms: childlike · youthful · young · young-looking · girlish · boyish · baby silly and immature: "a childish outburst" synonyms: immature · babyish · infantile · juvenile · puerile · silly · inane · jejune · foolish · irresponsible Here's why... I have a lot of people I look up to that I had worked for that I wish I was more buddy, buddy with but I realize that they relied on me to make sure the job was finished not take a shot with at 2 am. So this goes for groups of peers too. I wanted to be accepted a certain way but I'm not that person I used to be. I still would like to have fun and...