My life in Quotes

 Originally when I titled this entry I was obsessed with death or my own death. I wished I was dead and boy did I ever. I would think about getting t-boned by a tractor-trailer or flipping my car off the embankment. I am sober because of health reasons and that I would kill myself with alcohol and pills. It's a somber thought to think about. I also titled this entry because I binged "The Good Place" and it resonated with me as did it make me happy. “Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I’m gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.” – Michael,  The Good Place I take a cocktail of meds and I haven't been thinking about death nearly as much. I feel like I'm winning and that possibly I'm in a good place. I take Vraylar, Lamictal, Zoloft, and Trazadone for sleep. They seem to be working together very w...

Slip into my soul. Save my nights from the horde. It’s four in the morning. Save me from the nightmarish dreams. Blow the winds of change. Stir my soul. Save me, save me, don’t let me go. Hold me, hold me, and don’t let me go home. Test my mind. Free my soul, don’t let them get me. It’s six in the morning. I haven’t been to sleep. I worry about things like wood nymphs and water sprites. They were dancing, singing, stirring in the night. Yet they were not the cause of my night terrors. Lies and deceit are the cause of it all. If I come clean my soul will rest. No more spirits evil or good. No more lies of being strapped to my bed. No more spikes tacked to my heart. I have broken free of my shackles. Now it’s a thing were I confess and find peace. This poem is pretty clear about my mental anguish that I go though. I hate that many people with bipolar or other mental illness crave basic human needs and can't have them because inside our heads th...

One thing I have learned this week that people care immensely about me. It's been a great feeling all the love and insight. What's better is that I have introspective that I've gained. “Mental health…is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.” –  Noam Shpancer Dealing with my ex-best friend, Rodney was a huge heart breaker. Why because we had been friends since we were 12 and 13 years old in Matthew, NC. I told people hey, I don't want best friends because of him. My dad says you know it's not a bad thing but it's tied to a hurtful feeling. I had such fun and pure times with him. It was just two guys doing dumb shit and not hurting anyone. There never was pressure from either of us to do harmful things to anyone and that's why it hurts. I'm not going to talk about the hurt but this post is about the good times that I can actually remember. On Facebook, I wrote: " Today's lesson kids: Bad people...

It's all in your head and are you sure it's not all in your head or aren't you overthinking things? Man, if I could just not have it in my head but and on my Google Nexus tablet around my neck continually for everyone to see my brain  and the patterns  and levels of anguish I go through, it would be awesome. “One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.” ―  Carrie Fisher,  Wishful...

I'm going to attempt to explain anxiety: pretend you like flowers, you like roses and daisies. They both are beautiful and you plant them in your garden. You have a dog and you love him very much. You spent 10 hours planting the flowers. You let your dog out to potty and then he sniffs the flowers. Pees on a shepherd's hook and comes inside. All you could think about was the damn flowers getting peed on as he sniffed them. Then you sigh in relief as he pees on the shepherd's hook. Fast forward to lying in bed. An hour of sleep passes and you wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming your dog, that you love, dug up the flowers. Somewhere between sniffing, worrying about the flowers getting peed on and the ultimate worst thing that could happen to expensive flowers. You wake up thinking about your damn flowers and run downstairs to see if they're okay. Nothing happened to the flowers but sometimes one thought about how something could happen spirals out of control. It's n...

There have been and will be days I find that I have been defeated but I believe there is a reason for everything. I've been praying for things and giving thanks to God. I don't want to go under because I believe God is enough. That's a hard truth to swallow. The truth, that if you believe in a higher power, that God is going to pull through for you. My mental illness doesn't define me. Does it make life difficult, yes but I'll push through like I have in the past. Some of this still is hard for me. I've been kicked so many times that I have given up and tried to end it. So if you want to give up just know that it's got nothing to do with being selfish but get help. Reach out to someone. There is a purpose for everything. Every philosophy on the earth says so but for me, God is enough. Why do I write this, because every day I struggle with living. I have an amazing girl that I want to be my girlfriend and my future wife. My family loves me and I have a j...