There is a time in our lives that we walk through the desert alone. Here is my story about how I crossed the line in the sand.
"I'm sure that I am enjoying my sobriety. And respect it. If you've been through what I've been through, then you really do treasure it." - Peter Frampton
I'll revisit this quote and you'll see how I crossed the line into sobriety in the end.
All my teenage life up till college, I was told to not drink. Not because it was evil. Because my parents knew my chemical make up was different and I was going through changes. At 19 my bipolar 1 manifested at UNCC. It was insane and it was like I was far away from my family but I wasn't. I saw them on most weekends and they brought me home or took me out to eat. I don't remember my first college drink. I can rewind and tell you, yes I drank in high school but it was only in my senior year. Back to college... My mom told me about alcoholism and how it affects families. She said also that she wished that we would be able to have a mom and son drink but because of our health problems that wouldn't ever happen. Mom had diabetes and they're not supposed to drink alcohol. Well, I developed bipolar 1, which I was born with and I struggle with.
So in college, I did the college thing and gave alcohol a chance. I gave it that ole Harvard try, I'm implying that people in ivy league schools drink harder than state schools. So I partied and went to class and then became manic. I don't know where in the timeline that I had my first manic episode but I stayed up for days and went to class then when I crashed it was bad. It was so bad that I would hide in the room and cry. I remember this one horrible drinking incident where I drank so much and ate so many hot dogs that I blacked out and woke up with alcohol poisoning. Alcohol poisoning you say? yes, strange reader, it happens to tons of college kids. It was awful. I had a good upperclassman take me home and his GF took care of me.
I've done crazy things as an adult and I really didn't like driving drunk. It happened and it was an eye-opener for me when I got pulled over and blew just shy of the legal limit. I was like what in the hell is going on with my life. I see on Facebook that I wrote in the past about how I felt after doing stupid things not necessarily to people maliciously but just out of sheer annoyance how it affected me. I saw how alcohol wasn't helping me fit in anymore. I met this young lady a few years ago and we hit it off.
We were so unstable, 1) she believed her ex was following her and was having people watch her and 2) I lost my meds for over a week and didn't call Dr. Ross. Well, we were absolutely nuts but we had "fun" and made out everywhere. It was the most insane chemistry for people who were certifiably nuts. I drank so much that week and spent so much money, in my mania stage. So I'm just saying that if I had not been off my meds this story would have been different.
In 2016, I felt that I had made some horrible decisions and it was time for a change. I met Andrea up at Rooftop 210 and her friend Melinda. I was sober and I was making bad decisions so I hooked up with Andrea that night that I met her. She was drinking and bumped some coke, later on, I found this out. Okay, so December rolls around and we have the BMG Christmas party and we get hammered. It's an open bar, company party that is pretty awesome, so awesome we sign waivers. So in the few months that I was in a relationship with her that I had been doing some soul searching about my life in the nightlife industry. I was great at my job but it wasn't for me, no insurance and it was demanding being a barback that was always working hard but being kept down. I didn't feel like I fit into the nightlife equation anymore. I didn't feel like I fit in, I wasn't in group texts or invited to hang out in the cool kids' parties. I wanted to get out and I was recrafting my resume. The week after the BMG Christmas party I made a huge declaration, I quit drinking alcohol. I didn't go to AA or any steps. For me, it was all will power and I was determined to change my life.
The willpower to be sober was strong. I don't know where I summoned it from but it changed my life forever. So for two years and a half, I've been sober. I feel comfortable in my skin saying to people I don't drink anymore and some people are like my guardian champions for my cause. They see and watch my movements and will say, oh he doesn't drink, get him a water. They aren't mocking me and it really touches my heart. I can honestly say, that it's worth being sober. I still have fun people watching out in public at events and bars. I like to mingle and dance still, just not acting all wild, okay I still have wild moments, I'm a guy under 40, haha!
I feel being sober has helped my mental health issue greatly. I deal with the death of my mom way better than I pictured than if I had been drinking alcohol. My ex-roommate, near fell off the wagon with his drinking when his father passed away. I had a lot of time to mentally prepare myself for my mother's passing because she was ill and was in hospital systems for about a year. My weight fluctuates less than it did when I consumed it. It still fluctuates because of the meds that I'm on so that just means I need to work out to maintain a constant weight. I feel like I've been handling lots of things that have been thrown at me well, coping without drugs or alcohol. I never liked to binge drink if I was sad because I was conscious of the terrible disease in me. I just drank for "fun" or socially.
I would like to think that the aforementioned terrible disease isn't bipolar but that I could potentially have the alcoholism gene in me. Bipolar is a curse but I feel that with my amazing support network I beat alcoholism that could have killed me if I ever let it get a hold of me.
I love life, I sometimes wish I weren't alive but I would never stop this amazing journey. I'm called to be in this world for a reason and I need to find out why. Bipolar makes me aware of my mortality because I tried to end the anarchy in my mind. I have bipolar but I am not bipolar. I own the past mistakes and I am here now to march toward a successful future.
-One Love
I'll revisit this quote and you'll see how I crossed the line into sobriety in the end.
All my teenage life up till college, I was told to not drink. Not because it was evil. Because my parents knew my chemical make up was different and I was going through changes. At 19 my bipolar 1 manifested at UNCC. It was insane and it was like I was far away from my family but I wasn't. I saw them on most weekends and they brought me home or took me out to eat. I don't remember my first college drink. I can rewind and tell you, yes I drank in high school but it was only in my senior year. Back to college... My mom told me about alcoholism and how it affects families. She said also that she wished that we would be able to have a mom and son drink but because of our health problems that wouldn't ever happen. Mom had diabetes and they're not supposed to drink alcohol. Well, I developed bipolar 1, which I was born with and I struggle with.
So in college, I did the college thing and gave alcohol a chance. I gave it that ole Harvard try, I'm implying that people in ivy league schools drink harder than state schools. So I partied and went to class and then became manic. I don't know where in the timeline that I had my first manic episode but I stayed up for days and went to class then when I crashed it was bad. It was so bad that I would hide in the room and cry. I remember this one horrible drinking incident where I drank so much and ate so many hot dogs that I blacked out and woke up with alcohol poisoning. Alcohol poisoning you say? yes, strange reader, it happens to tons of college kids. It was awful. I had a good upperclassman take me home and his GF took care of me.
I've done crazy things as an adult and I really didn't like driving drunk. It happened and it was an eye-opener for me when I got pulled over and blew just shy of the legal limit. I was like what in the hell is going on with my life. I see on Facebook that I wrote in the past about how I felt after doing stupid things not necessarily to people maliciously but just out of sheer annoyance how it affected me. I saw how alcohol wasn't helping me fit in anymore. I met this young lady a few years ago and we hit it off.
We were so unstable, 1) she believed her ex was following her and was having people watch her and 2) I lost my meds for over a week and didn't call Dr. Ross. Well, we were absolutely nuts but we had "fun" and made out everywhere. It was the most insane chemistry for people who were certifiably nuts. I drank so much that week and spent so much money, in my mania stage. So I'm just saying that if I had not been off my meds this story would have been different.
In 2016, I felt that I had made some horrible decisions and it was time for a change. I met Andrea up at Rooftop 210 and her friend Melinda. I was sober and I was making bad decisions so I hooked up with Andrea that night that I met her. She was drinking and bumped some coke, later on, I found this out. Okay, so December rolls around and we have the BMG Christmas party and we get hammered. It's an open bar, company party that is pretty awesome, so awesome we sign waivers. So in the few months that I was in a relationship with her that I had been doing some soul searching about my life in the nightlife industry. I was great at my job but it wasn't for me, no insurance and it was demanding being a barback that was always working hard but being kept down. I didn't feel like I fit into the nightlife equation anymore. I didn't feel like I fit in, I wasn't in group texts or invited to hang out in the cool kids' parties. I wanted to get out and I was recrafting my resume. The week after the BMG Christmas party I made a huge declaration, I quit drinking alcohol. I didn't go to AA or any steps. For me, it was all will power and I was determined to change my life.
The willpower to be sober was strong. I don't know where I summoned it from but it changed my life forever. So for two years and a half, I've been sober. I feel comfortable in my skin saying to people I don't drink anymore and some people are like my guardian champions for my cause. They see and watch my movements and will say, oh he doesn't drink, get him a water. They aren't mocking me and it really touches my heart. I can honestly say, that it's worth being sober. I still have fun people watching out in public at events and bars. I like to mingle and dance still, just not acting all wild, okay I still have wild moments, I'm a guy under 40, haha!
I feel being sober has helped my mental health issue greatly. I deal with the death of my mom way better than I pictured than if I had been drinking alcohol. My ex-roommate, near fell off the wagon with his drinking when his father passed away. I had a lot of time to mentally prepare myself for my mother's passing because she was ill and was in hospital systems for about a year. My weight fluctuates less than it did when I consumed it. It still fluctuates because of the meds that I'm on so that just means I need to work out to maintain a constant weight. I feel like I've been handling lots of things that have been thrown at me well, coping without drugs or alcohol. I never liked to binge drink if I was sad because I was conscious of the terrible disease in me. I just drank for "fun" or socially.
I would like to think that the aforementioned terrible disease isn't bipolar but that I could potentially have the alcoholism gene in me. Bipolar is a curse but I feel that with my amazing support network I beat alcoholism that could have killed me if I ever let it get a hold of me.
I love life, I sometimes wish I weren't alive but I would never stop this amazing journey. I'm called to be in this world for a reason and I need to find out why. Bipolar makes me aware of my mortality because I tried to end the anarchy in my mind. I have bipolar but I am not bipolar. I own the past mistakes and I am here now to march toward a successful future.
-One Love