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The Existenstial Ant

The dictionary defines existential as an ADJECTIVE

Relating to existence - concerned with existence, especially human existence as viewed in the theories of existentialism 

LOGIC - (of a proposition) affirming or implying the existence of a thing.

In 20219, I decided to go back to school/college to become a teacher. Out in the left field, a truck hits us with Covid, the worst thing to happen in my lifetime. As a whole, 9/11 and this are pretty terrible things. Back to me. I have been a worker ant, pretty much my entire adult life. I've taken on grunt jobs that don't pay much and when I take on something people don't understand that I don't fit in their box for me they get confuddled. This is where my existential problem comes into being.  Why am I here if I can't make my 2/6 year associate degree work for me. What's my calling? Is it to just be a barback and never make it to bartender or manager(side joke, I made it to a manager at a restaurant here in Charlotte)? Am I just supposed to work retail or multiple jobs? Some people take chances on me and I succeed in their expectations or they get butt hurt that I don't want to work for them anymore. The service industry is really fickle and at the time I didn't have really good tact, things go both ways.

In 2019, I was working for a couple of companies and I finally got hired by Potterybarn to be a Visual Merchandiser. The one thing I wanted my entire career after graduating from CPCC in 2012. It wasn't happening at Belk for me and it wasn't going to happen at Pier 1 Imports, side note, they closed. I've worked in a lot of retail companies. I decided that this life wasn't for me after covid stripped Pottery Barn away from me. I decided that at one time I wanted to be a teacher and teaching is a strong profession in my family. When I was in high school I was a teaching assistant and I helped with the second-grade and 7th-grade PE classes. At one time, I had a little brother who had cerebral palsy. He passed away at the young age of 13 in 2007. His teachers impacted my life whether I knew it or not at the time. They were tough but really cared about him. I really love kids. They're fun to coach, teach, and play with. I love playing with my friends' kids and they love me. Is this my calling? I hope so.

In 2019, I went back to CPCC and inquired about taking classes in the new year. I took 3 classes and did all the footwork to get my Associate's in Transfer for access to UNC Charlotte. I took on UNC Charlotte for the third time and I intend to win this time. I signed up for Special Education Teaching. I have enjoyed it so far to this date. I have substituted for CMS here in Charlotte, it was the smart thing to do. I have found that it's been beneficial to meet different principals and see different schools. I've tutored kids and helped them improve their academic studies.  I've made really special bonds with classmates and professors. This winter I signed my bonus contract that states I intend to teach at CMS in the Exceptional Children's dept. Now I'm faced with another problem that looms over me before graduation. I am thinking about taking up residency before the semester is over and I would be remiss if I didn't take up the district on getting paid to teach early. I'm not an indecisive person all the time. I've actually gotten better at making in-the-moment important choices.

I found this quote to round out this entry, "Are you broken? Good. Now fall apart completely. You will realize that what has fallen apart is not you. It's just a thin external coating that hides your pure, eternal, and ever-shining being.”
― Shunya

I picked this quote because I cling to the past and it was huge for me to move beyond all the hurt and the feeling that I was being held back. When in reality, I wasn't ready to be my shining being. I've found my calling it's to teach, no matter how emotionally hard it is, not every day will be like that because there will be many beautiful successful days with the kids.
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