Skip to main content

The Good Place

 Originally when I titled this entry I was obsessed with death or my own death. I wished I was dead and boy did I ever. I would think about getting t-boned by a tractor-trailer or flipping my car off the embankment. I am sober because of health reasons and that I would kill myself with alcohol and pills. It's a somber thought to think about.

I also titled this entry because I binged "The Good Place" and it resonated with me as did it make me happy.

“Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I’m gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.” – Michael, The Good Place

I take a cocktail of meds and I haven't been thinking about death nearly as much. I feel like I'm winning and that possibly I'm in a good place. I take Vraylar, Lamictal, Zoloft, and Trazadone for sleep. They seem to be working together very well. 

I may be in a Good Place. I think I'm here because I'm on the right track. My grades are B's across the board even though I'd love to have all A's but I'm happy with them and I'm not beating myself up. I'm not in a good home situation still. I have anxiety in my sleep over my shitty roommates still. I'm moving in with my friend, Ryan at the end of December. I feel good about this move to a new apartment with a single roommate. 

I miss my mom and I am thankful that she's in heaven but there's a huge void still. I'm coping and thanksgiving was very hard and it gets harder it seems every year since her death around Christmas but I'm managing with my therapist and friends, I don't feel dismal about the holidays.

I met this amazing woman on OkCupid. Elizabeth has a 5-year-old and she's an up-and-coming model. Like me, she has battle wounds and scars to bear. Oh, she is ever incredible and resilient. We have the most amazing conversations because we can talk for hours and she giggles on the other end of the phone. I haven't met her yet and I'm not sure I'm supposed to have developed feelings for someone I only text and call, but I get amazing vibes from her. She cheers me on and I cheer her on and check on her. She says she is grateful for me and that she is appreciative of me as well. 

You know that quote in huge letters up there? It resonates with me. To me it's like my life, I fail at relationships or do I, and they are short because I'm being saved from so much heartache and sorrow. (it's a nice thought). I just try again or even continue to search for the one as if there is the one out there. I also can relate this to my academic career. I have been to UNC Charlotte three times and two of the three I have failed horribly. I started out and my bipolar manifested the first try and the second I thought I was Job and that I was going to die from being sick and injured. This time I've found the right concoction of success there. I have friends and I ask for help as am I also helpful. I've done things like run for student government and now I'm interviewing for a student ambassador for the disability services department at UNCC. I'm excited to see what the spring semester has in store for me. I also, lose friends but when that happens friends seem to role into that void and I cultivate something new that seems to be right. Maybe I fail at a relationship again, or a class but I will keep trying and that's what I do, I keep trying to succeed in every aspect of my life. I don't want to be a statistic or a burden on society. I want to be an independent guy whose social capital helps him achieve amazing things not just for myself but for others in my community.

Popular posts from this blog

Mentally Okay Enough to Love Life

"Even when I'm sick and depressed, I love life." ~Arthur Rubinstein Great quote.   Why? Because it touches my very essence. I may not seem to love life at points but I'll never take my own life or intentionally take another life. Well there was this one time when there was fog on my back road near my house, I hit a raccoon. In his defense he might have had rabies. It can't be confirmed or denied... I didn't file a police report at the time. Okay well this speaks to me about mental illness which in our darkest hour of being sick and depressed, those who suffer from chronic depression, sometimes dream of death. Well this speaks volumes, love life. We all don't get to come back from the dead, we stare death in the face many times but once you're gone you are gone. Love life, love your life... Sometimes I feel like my life is the pits, as if I have reached the lowest low, feeling as if no one loves me, when in reality 1000's of peop...

The Existenstial Ant

The dictionary defines existential as an  ADJECTIVE Relating to existence -  concerned with existence, especially human existence as viewed in the theories of exist entialism   LOGIC - (of a proposition) affirming or implying the existence of a thing. In 20219, I decided to go back to school/college to become a teacher. Out in the left field, a truck hits us with Covid, the worst thing to happen in my lifetime. As a whole, 9/11 and this are pretty terrible things. Back to me. I have been a worker ant, pretty much my entire adult life. I've taken on grunt jobs that don't pay much and when I take on something people don't understand that I don't fit in their box for me they get confuddled. This is where my existential problem comes into being.  Why am I here if I can't make my 2/6 year associate degree work for me. What's my calling? Is it to just be a barback and never make it to bartender or manager(side joke, I made it to a manager at a restaurant here in Charl...

Education Inequalities Based on Class, Gender, and Race/Ethnicity

 This is a discussion that I posted in my Sociology of Education class here at UNCC and the dialogue following. 1. I think that today in the climate of education being a minority can have its advantages for education. I feel that being a mixed male special education teaching student might afford me a better chance to obtain job placement when I graduate and being that there are fewer males in elementary teaching roles now. That's my intersectionality. I believe that the demand for minority teachers is good for me but they shouldn't place a male in a teaching role if they're not qualified same as a woman, it just so happens that it's a role that is needed to be filled in society. 2. Attention should most certainly be given to economic segregation. It should be addressed but as the problem that whites have been afforded a head start in the game. It's like a video I just watched in Child Psych. If we as a society could get over living in white-walled neighborhoods wher...