Originally when I titled this entry I was obsessed with death or my own death. I wished I was dead and boy did I ever. I would think about getting t-boned by a tractor-trailer or flipping my car off the embankment. I am sober because of health reasons and that I would kill myself with alcohol and pills. It's a somber thought to think about.
I also titled this entry because I binged "The Good Place" and it resonated with me as did it make me happy.
“Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I’m gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.” – Michael, The Good Place
I take a cocktail of meds and I haven't been thinking about death nearly as much. I feel like I'm winning and that possibly I'm in a good place. I take Vraylar, Lamictal, Zoloft, and Trazadone for sleep. They seem to be working together very well.
I may be in a Good Place. I think I'm here because I'm on the right track. My grades are B's across the board even though I'd love to have all A's but I'm happy with them and I'm not beating myself up. I'm not in a good home situation still. I have anxiety in my sleep over my shitty roommates still. I'm moving in with my friend, Ryan at the end of December. I feel good about this move to a new apartment with a single roommate.
I miss my mom and I am thankful that she's in heaven but there's a huge void still. I'm coping and thanksgiving was very hard and it gets harder it seems every year since her death around Christmas but I'm managing with my therapist and friends, I don't feel dismal about the holidays.
I met this amazing woman on OkCupid. Elizabeth has a 5-year-old and she's an up-and-coming model. Like me, she has battle wounds and scars to bear. Oh, she is ever incredible and resilient. We have the most amazing conversations because we can talk for hours and she giggles on the other end of the phone. I haven't met her yet and I'm not sure I'm supposed to have developed feelings for someone I only text and call, but I get amazing vibes from her. She cheers me on and I cheer her on and check on her. She says she is grateful for me and that she is appreciative of me as well.
You know that quote in huge letters up there? It resonates with me. To me it's like my life, I fail at relationships or do I, and they are short because I'm being saved from so much heartache and sorrow. (it's a nice thought). I just try again or even continue to search for the one as if there is the one out there. I also can relate this to my academic career. I have been to UNC Charlotte three times and two of the three I have failed horribly. I started out and my bipolar manifested the first try and the second I thought I was Job and that I was going to die from being sick and injured. This time I've found the right concoction of success there. I have friends and I ask for help as am I also helpful. I've done things like run for student government and now I'm interviewing for a student ambassador for the disability services department at UNCC. I'm excited to see what the spring semester has in store for me. I also, lose friends but when that happens friends seem to role into that void and I cultivate something new that seems to be right. Maybe I fail at a relationship again, or a class but I will keep trying and that's what I do, I keep trying to succeed in every aspect of my life. I don't want to be a statistic or a burden on society. I want to be an independent guy whose social capital helps him achieve amazing things not just for myself but for others in my community.