It's all in your head and are you sure it's not all in your head or aren't you overthinking things? Man, if I could just not have it in my head but and on my Google Nexus tablet around my neck continually for everyone to see my brain and the patterns and levels of anguish I go through, it would be awesome.
“One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Wishful Drinking
For four weeks I have been furloughed from Pottery Barn, this exciting job that I left Queen Park Social for. I was having so much anxiety there. I was having anxiety in my new job before the Covid19 pandemic. Well now I'm not making money and it's driving me bonkers. I just want to be productive and dig myself out of hardship. We'll tie into this later on.
I had a friend, he called me a best friend but used me at nearly every chance he could. He would casually say dude it's in your head or things like that. He would be the one causing all my chaos and confusion in my head. He talked me into helping him sign an apartment lease for three months, that's all he needed, he said. It was going against every fiber of my being but he broke me down. Not only did the sociopath use me to help him get an apartment by playing on my love for him and his mom but he played me when his DUI went to court and needed help with rent. This guy stole $4,100 from me that I'll never see again, probably ever. I have lost friendships over money that wouldn't have gone south if I hadn't been taken advantage of. I did a dumb thing giving someone that much credit that they deserved one more chance, well at my own expense. Well at the end of all this he wouldn't respond when my anxiety got so high that I couldn't function, that I acted and got out of the lease. He then tried to character assassinate me to my roommate and the online community. He told all kinds of things that we talked about and made inflammatory statements at large. Yet, in the end, his final words to me were to stay away from me and my mom. I never responded back.
Who knows if I'll ever see my savings again. The Bible says if you have been wronged that God can restore you more than what was taken. I need to start resting more hope that God will provide. I have started following along in my Home Team with church friends a devotional study. So there's a start to getting back on track.
I've got a good moral compass and it was used against me till I fought back. This is not all in my head and this is real life that has caused immeasurable damage. What is in my head is anxiety, doubt, fear, self-degradation, and suicidal thoughts. I've spoken before that I have them and they've increased out of fear and feelings that I'm a burden on my family and friends. I have this fear that I won't ever get to pay everyone back that I owe money. I'm determined to do it, It's only a couple of people but I need to try. I have this fear that I won't be a self-sufficient member of society. I have a disease that eats at my body and it's not just in my brain. These are real thoughts that are in my mind. Mental illness is your Mind.
I wake up somedays and in PTSD I wish that I was dead. The weekend I started on Hydroxyzine I slept 15 hours that weekend and my week was destroyed, so I thought. I woke up in despair that Saturday morning. I have salvaged my Biology 110 project on Global Warming and I am quite proud of myself because I work hard and don't quit, no matter how much I want to throw in the towel. I have now made it through two weeks of anxiety medicine that I fought for many years to not take. It took being quarantine to get me to take it. I have a roommate situation that isn't ideal again. So I have decided to take it based on a couple of things, the need to finish school, my struggle with adapting to change quickly in stressful situations, my roommates and the quarantine. I don't miss going out to clubs or partying or staying up late, I miss one simple piece to school and that is the library. At the underlying problem of all my anxiety is the need for peace and the library brings me peace. Who would have thought? It's where I escape to study and grind out homework without the distraction of life.
I even had anxiety Monday evening in the grocery store. It was bad, I couldn't control it and when I thought I was almost done, it became embarrassing. I left half my groceries at the register because I didn't have enough to buy all of them. This is life and it gets scary at times. Yes, it's in my head because that's where mental illness lives. I also have researched yoga instructors and reached out to a good friend of mine, who is a yoga instructor. I mentioned that a good deal of my depression comes from not being an athlete anymore due to injury and chronic pain. I am going to attempt to change my lifestyle because I have no faith in the neurologist that saw me about my neuropathy. So here's to changing it up and getting back to being healthy.
At the mark of four weeks from filing for unemployment in North Carolina, I have gotten instruction emails from the DES but no solace on my application. I have written and called and nothing. The part that gets in my head is that I had a couple of documents out there and I know my file had been touched and moved to a different folder online but no correspondence just a pending authorization looming out there. To end on good news and hope for anyone reading that wants to know if I'll be okay, yes, I'm a survivor and I strive to thrive and succeed in life. I fight a never-ending battle that aims to destroy me. I have some glimmer of hope sometimes that keeps me marching, my second graduation for another associate's degree in May and the possibilities of obtaining a worthwhile career in a few years after I gain my BA.
“One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Wishful Drinking
For four weeks I have been furloughed from Pottery Barn, this exciting job that I left Queen Park Social for. I was having so much anxiety there. I was having anxiety in my new job before the Covid19 pandemic. Well now I'm not making money and it's driving me bonkers. I just want to be productive and dig myself out of hardship. We'll tie into this later on.
I had a friend, he called me a best friend but used me at nearly every chance he could. He would casually say dude it's in your head or things like that. He would be the one causing all my chaos and confusion in my head. He talked me into helping him sign an apartment lease for three months, that's all he needed, he said. It was going against every fiber of my being but he broke me down. Not only did the sociopath use me to help him get an apartment by playing on my love for him and his mom but he played me when his DUI went to court and needed help with rent. This guy stole $4,100 from me that I'll never see again, probably ever. I have lost friendships over money that wouldn't have gone south if I hadn't been taken advantage of. I did a dumb thing giving someone that much credit that they deserved one more chance, well at my own expense. Well at the end of all this he wouldn't respond when my anxiety got so high that I couldn't function, that I acted and got out of the lease. He then tried to character assassinate me to my roommate and the online community. He told all kinds of things that we talked about and made inflammatory statements at large. Yet, in the end, his final words to me were to stay away from me and my mom. I never responded back.
Who knows if I'll ever see my savings again. The Bible says if you have been wronged that God can restore you more than what was taken. I need to start resting more hope that God will provide. I have started following along in my Home Team with church friends a devotional study. So there's a start to getting back on track.
I've got a good moral compass and it was used against me till I fought back. This is not all in my head and this is real life that has caused immeasurable damage. What is in my head is anxiety, doubt, fear, self-degradation, and suicidal thoughts. I've spoken before that I have them and they've increased out of fear and feelings that I'm a burden on my family and friends. I have this fear that I won't ever get to pay everyone back that I owe money. I'm determined to do it, It's only a couple of people but I need to try. I have this fear that I won't be a self-sufficient member of society. I have a disease that eats at my body and it's not just in my brain. These are real thoughts that are in my mind. Mental illness is your Mind.
I wake up somedays and in PTSD I wish that I was dead. The weekend I started on Hydroxyzine I slept 15 hours that weekend and my week was destroyed, so I thought. I woke up in despair that Saturday morning. I have salvaged my Biology 110 project on Global Warming and I am quite proud of myself because I work hard and don't quit, no matter how much I want to throw in the towel. I have now made it through two weeks of anxiety medicine that I fought for many years to not take. It took being quarantine to get me to take it. I have a roommate situation that isn't ideal again. So I have decided to take it based on a couple of things, the need to finish school, my struggle with adapting to change quickly in stressful situations, my roommates and the quarantine. I don't miss going out to clubs or partying or staying up late, I miss one simple piece to school and that is the library. At the underlying problem of all my anxiety is the need for peace and the library brings me peace. Who would have thought? It's where I escape to study and grind out homework without the distraction of life.
I even had anxiety Monday evening in the grocery store. It was bad, I couldn't control it and when I thought I was almost done, it became embarrassing. I left half my groceries at the register because I didn't have enough to buy all of them. This is life and it gets scary at times. Yes, it's in my head because that's where mental illness lives. I also have researched yoga instructors and reached out to a good friend of mine, who is a yoga instructor. I mentioned that a good deal of my depression comes from not being an athlete anymore due to injury and chronic pain. I am going to attempt to change my lifestyle because I have no faith in the neurologist that saw me about my neuropathy. So here's to changing it up and getting back to being healthy.
At the mark of four weeks from filing for unemployment in North Carolina, I have gotten instruction emails from the DES but no solace on my application. I have written and called and nothing. The part that gets in my head is that I had a couple of documents out there and I know my file had been touched and moved to a different folder online but no correspondence just a pending authorization looming out there. To end on good news and hope for anyone reading that wants to know if I'll be okay, yes, I'm a survivor and I strive to thrive and succeed in life. I fight a never-ending battle that aims to destroy me. I have some glimmer of hope sometimes that keeps me marching, my second graduation for another associate's degree in May and the possibilities of obtaining a worthwhile career in a few years after I gain my BA.