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So We Did A Thing

OMGRRRD! I never would have thought to make a blog in a million years, so to say. I was diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, ADHD and schizoaffective disorders. I believe because I was drinking and having an erratic sleep schedule on bipolar meds caused my Dr at the time to diagnose me with schizoaffective disorder. In the last week or so I was declassified as being schizoaffective!! Can I tell you how huge this is, I feel like I wasn't and that it was a misdiagnosis. I have been on such a great path for conquering stigma and living my best life possible.

I love quotes, they help spark my creativity and this one is from a favorite book:

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand. I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”
Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things 

Jenny Lawson is my favorite modern author and since reading about her battles and triumphs of her life with mental health illness.

I was fired from Party Reflections on May 9th, 2019 and it sucked. It hurt my ego because I didn't even make it to my 60 days. I felt I was tasked with a giant hoop to jump through to get to my task I was hired to do in the future. I was hired to do AutoCad but I had to learn to be a tent puller first. I wasn't even happy for the most part even though I looked forward to going to work almost every day.

I became depressed but I have learned and have made my motto: "Do the next step!". I had such a great support network and they helped me not be so depressed. Sarah, MJ, my sister, Erin, Krystal, my Dad, Timothy, Matt, and my therapist. I am always grateful, I believe. I was doing all the proper steps, filing for unemployment, looking for work and dong side jobs in the meantime.

So in the past, the ASM at Queen Park Social has asked me if I knew any good hosts or twice asked me if I would like a job there. So the last time I took the job. I accepted begrudgingly but I needed to work. I love working and I work hard. I am grateful for God placing in his heart that I'd be a good fit. So I like working there and I feel like I'm a good fit. I think I messed up or was only supposed to be at party reflections for a time. I wasn't a good fit but they liked me as a person, so that made getting fired that much more difficult.

The nice thing about my support group is they know my mental illness or at least that I have mental illnesses. They all were happy for me. I handled depression and it didn't get me in its grips. I still am situationally depressed because I know that this job won't meet my needs to survive.
I am a survivor and will continue to grow and thrive.

Recently I told Dad that I would love to not struggle someday and he said that's never gonna happen. He was just being realistic about the human condition. I just wish that I didn't have bipolar kind of struggle.

So this is my celebration that I can have amazing will power and drive to overcome depression.
My down dosing of Lamictal and Abilify has been amazing, I am very happy to have a sober life free from alcohol. I won't be taken down and I will continue to uplift my friends and community.

-One Love

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