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All In My Childish Feelings

Sometimes I feel childish when it comes to relationships. I want a relationship with this person like that person has... Stop it, why do I even want to be in a relationship with that person like that to begin with.

The definition of childish in this text's context is foolish, silly or immature;

of, like, or appropriate to a child:
"childish enthusiasm"
synonyms: childlike · youthful · young · young-looking · girlish · boyish · baby

silly and immature:
"a childish outburst"
synonyms: immature · babyish · infantile · juvenile · puerile · silly · inane · jejune · foolish · irresponsible

Here's why...
I have a lot of people I look up to that I had worked for that I wish I was more buddy, buddy with but I realize that they relied on me to make sure the job was finished not take a shot with at 2 am. So this goes for groups of peers too. I wanted to be accepted a certain way but I'm not that person I used to be. I still would like to have fun and socialize with my ex-coworkers but I don't drink alcohol which makes it difficult to be on their level.

So here I am, I am loved by my peer group in the service industry but I can't be apart of them. I even can't date someone in the service industry because it doesn't mesh with my lifestyle.

I look up to Rick, the bar manager of Rooftop 210. I look up to him because he trusts me, he's a great bartender/ manager and I can learn from him. Chip, this I guy that came on a couple years ago and started out a barback and made it to bartender. I think I deserved to get to bartender before Chip because I worked harder and smarter than everyone I worked with. I was honest and did my job. One thing I didn't do, suck management's balls. Being that deals are made while drinking and socializing, I lost out on this one even though I clearly made is known that I wanted to be bartender. Well quitting drinking kind of helped kill that too I bet.

Then I thought about this... The dynamic is all wrong anyways. Chip doesn't like me and I try to fix the past problems we had but that's never gonna happen. I don't need a buddy. buddy relationship with the management. It was like that with Tyler, he wanted me to be a leader and lead by example not just be there fuck around and get paid. He trusted me to get the job done. He showed he was appreciative. which was great. I just wasn't a pal. I feel like it's very hard to wrap my head around that management wanted to be friends with the guys who didn't pull their own weight and treated them differently.
I just wanted to be equals when equal isn't good enough for me when I strive to do my best day in and day out.

The equation was a little different at SIP. I look up to Steve and he is a great manager over there and trusted that the choices he made for hiring the staff would merit he was doing a good job. He hired me and I always feel bad for letting him down, when I became injured. I just have to think about it this way, managers are there for a reason not to be our friends but someone we can go to about problems that arise at work, he was good for that but I'm not good at telling someone above me my problems.

"False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports." ~ Richard Burton


Here's what I have taken away from all this. It's not a real life scenario for me to embrace that lifestyle. It doesn't matter anymore if I was a bartender or barback. All that matters to me is the legacy I left at Rooftop 210. They call me to do things which is awesome but I know in my heart that was just a chapter in life that I can't go back to.

Do I have a friendship with Rick? Kind of sorta, he takes really good care of me when I help him out, so I know he cares about me but the management all knew what I wanted so I do not want it anymore. Feel jaded do I? Most certainly, I am licking wounds but I'm moving on to bigger things.
Both Steve and Rick have come around since I've left both places. They talk to me like normal now, which makes life easier. I could tell each was hurt by me leaving their bars.

Do I want to pretend I'm friends with some people in the service industry? No, not really but it is what it is. I love some of the people I had worked with and I could genuinely tell that I was loved for being me.

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