I wake up with music in my heart almost every day, I call it my heart song and it keeps me alive. This morning I woke up with Ed Sheran's "Beautiful People". Music is like a life force That I can tell you that I need to survive. I love to sleep but I love waking up, gives me a chance to be grateful again. I'm grateful, I'm on new medicines and I'm hanging in there but I'm exhausted from them and work. I just want to be normal, as in no drugs ever in my body. I don't drink or do recreational drugs just my bipolar meds and my new Gabapentin. So I had to unwind, so I took a melatonin and it helped me sleep but I woke up without an alarm at 7ish am.
Yet this is how I feel quite often but it is wonderful to wake up with music in my head:
Since November I have been on 20 mg of Latuda and 150 mg of Lamictal. My PA psychiatrist decided that it would be beneficial to raise my Lamictal to 225 mg because I was having some problems at work and I felt I was having mood-stabilizing problems. I quickly ended Gabapentin after a week and a half of taking it. I was struggling very much at work. I was down dosing my Abilify and starting Latuda and Gabapentin. I hate taking meds and I realize that there is no end in sight for freedom from medication. I don't have several thousand dollars to have ECT which is electroshock therapy. I want this demon out of my mind. I believe in God and that I have a saving grace but I have become very much in mental pain and anguish.
In December of 2018, my mother passed away but fast forward to last December 2019 my father, who lives outside of Tampa, sent her ashes to Charlotte, where I live. It was a Thursday and I was ill-prepared for this phone call. I was healing so I thought but the wounds were ready to be ripped open if I was not careful. I decided to make the arrangements as requested by my dad. I called friends and friends that I call my family to come to my aid. It was a very hard task and I am grateful for this new medicine. I feel very strongly that if I was to have been on Abilify, it would have been a bad morning to have a memorial. On the Latuda I have more energy and more clarity of thought. I wept as Jesus would have wept. There is no shame in mourning the loss of a loved one. My mom was the greatest and most humble of prayer warriors that ever loved Jesus. If not for the saving grace of my friends at the memorial and at lunch I would have been an emotional basketcase. I am stronger because of them.
I was feeling good early on with Latuda, I even decided to run with my battle-ax and charge headfirst into the halls of CPCC. It was a very frustrating feeling but I felt that I shouldn't be derailed trying to accomplish my goals. I want to become a special education teacher for K-6th graders. All kids need love and I am an example of what teachers who love their students can accomplish. I love knowledge, learning and as well as sharing that knowledge. I want to teach little kids and give them love. I am afraid often that I will never get that chance for obtaining higher education and being able to share my love of learning.
It is halfway through the semester and I have a B+ in Biology, It was a rough start but I am here. I've overcome mental breakdowns and breakups. I've endured the beratings at Queen Park Social by the GM to getting out of there and landing three offers in one weekend. I accepted the offer of Pottery Barn to become a Visual Merchandiser. I do love it but at the same time, it was quite hard to adjust to waking up again at 5 am. I have been dealing for some time with having poor short term memory and it hasn't come up at work until this job. We have to make lists as we are going throughout the morning and mine are extensive or else I waste time. I'm not happy ultimately and I want to run but I need to try. I love being creative and this is what I have wanted very much.
I have been struggling with this quarantine because of Covid-19 and the loss of my ability to have a normal life. My PA psychiatrist has increased my Latuda to 40 mg and leveled out my Lamictal to 200 mg as well as adding Hydroxyzine which is an antiAnxiety medication. I have chosen to not take the anti-anxiety medication as stated before how much I hate taking extra drugs. The increase in Latuda over the past couple of weeks has changed me along with the lack of structure. I feel increased anxiety but also restlessness and I have gotten a rash on my forehead that spreads backward from stress. I have been sleeping all sorts of weird hours. I am concerned for my health because my head hurts from messed up sleep and I feel as if I need to cry from the increased pressure.
I will leave you with a quote about my beautiful mind and why I write:
"Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart."
- Russell Crowe
I pride myself on having a beautiful mind but I know how big and beautiful my heart is. I want to share how much I love life and love others and that it is possible to be mentally and emotionally disabled and still be full of love.
Yet this is how I feel quite often but it is wonderful to wake up with music in my head:
We don't fit in well
'Cause we are just ourselves
I could use some help
Gettin' out of this conversation, yeah
You look stunning, dear
So don't ask that question here
This is my only fear, that we become
'Cause we are just ourselves
I could use some help
Gettin' out of this conversation, yeah
You look stunning, dear
So don't ask that question here
This is my only fear, that we become
Beautiful people
- Ed Sheeran - Beautiful People
Let's talk about my beautiful mind.Since November I have been on 20 mg of Latuda and 150 mg of Lamictal. My PA psychiatrist decided that it would be beneficial to raise my Lamictal to 225 mg because I was having some problems at work and I felt I was having mood-stabilizing problems. I quickly ended Gabapentin after a week and a half of taking it. I was struggling very much at work. I was down dosing my Abilify and starting Latuda and Gabapentin. I hate taking meds and I realize that there is no end in sight for freedom from medication. I don't have several thousand dollars to have ECT which is electroshock therapy. I want this demon out of my mind. I believe in God and that I have a saving grace but I have become very much in mental pain and anguish.
In December of 2018, my mother passed away but fast forward to last December 2019 my father, who lives outside of Tampa, sent her ashes to Charlotte, where I live. It was a Thursday and I was ill-prepared for this phone call. I was healing so I thought but the wounds were ready to be ripped open if I was not careful. I decided to make the arrangements as requested by my dad. I called friends and friends that I call my family to come to my aid. It was a very hard task and I am grateful for this new medicine. I feel very strongly that if I was to have been on Abilify, it would have been a bad morning to have a memorial. On the Latuda I have more energy and more clarity of thought. I wept as Jesus would have wept. There is no shame in mourning the loss of a loved one. My mom was the greatest and most humble of prayer warriors that ever loved Jesus. If not for the saving grace of my friends at the memorial and at lunch I would have been an emotional basketcase. I am stronger because of them.
I was feeling good early on with Latuda, I even decided to run with my battle-ax and charge headfirst into the halls of CPCC. It was a very frustrating feeling but I felt that I shouldn't be derailed trying to accomplish my goals. I want to become a special education teacher for K-6th graders. All kids need love and I am an example of what teachers who love their students can accomplish. I love knowledge, learning and as well as sharing that knowledge. I want to teach little kids and give them love. I am afraid often that I will never get that chance for obtaining higher education and being able to share my love of learning.
It is halfway through the semester and I have a B+ in Biology, It was a rough start but I am here. I've overcome mental breakdowns and breakups. I've endured the beratings at Queen Park Social by the GM to getting out of there and landing three offers in one weekend. I accepted the offer of Pottery Barn to become a Visual Merchandiser. I do love it but at the same time, it was quite hard to adjust to waking up again at 5 am. I have been dealing for some time with having poor short term memory and it hasn't come up at work until this job. We have to make lists as we are going throughout the morning and mine are extensive or else I waste time. I'm not happy ultimately and I want to run but I need to try. I love being creative and this is what I have wanted very much.
I have been struggling with this quarantine because of Covid-19 and the loss of my ability to have a normal life. My PA psychiatrist has increased my Latuda to 40 mg and leveled out my Lamictal to 200 mg as well as adding Hydroxyzine which is an antiAnxiety medication. I have chosen to not take the anti-anxiety medication as stated before how much I hate taking extra drugs. The increase in Latuda over the past couple of weeks has changed me along with the lack of structure. I feel increased anxiety but also restlessness and I have gotten a rash on my forehead that spreads backward from stress. I have been sleeping all sorts of weird hours. I am concerned for my health because my head hurts from messed up sleep and I feel as if I need to cry from the increased pressure.
I will leave you with a quote about my beautiful mind and why I write:
"Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart."
- Russell Crowe
I pride myself on having a beautiful mind but I know how big and beautiful my heart is. I want to share how much I love life and love others and that it is possible to be mentally and emotionally disabled and still be full of love.