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The Pride of the Lion

Sometimes when I get my feelings hurt, I lash out, like yesterday. So, let me paint a picture around the landscape my mind is in. Currently, the climate of the nation is very depressing. We are under quarantine because of the outbreak of Covid-19. I'm stuck in a place I have no longer wanted to live in, for an unforeseeable future.

I want to move out for the same reasons that have happened in the past with my ex-roommate, Brinkley. I don't like being irresponsible and now it has happened a few times, in my new living arrangement. I have had to ask for help with rent. I don't know if I'll ever get to live on my own and it's killing me. I want to be self-sufficient more than ever but I keep getting pushed back. What is going on that I can't see in the future? I also want to move out because I have a roommate that cannot stop inputting his opinions on where my money should go, as much as I love him.

I started a new job and there has been stress around my new job since leaving my old job at Queen Park Social. I have been asked do I regret leaving them and my answer is no, I do not regret my decision to leave. My decision to leave was made clear that I was no longer wanted by the GM. For a week he made my anxiety levels so high that I was ready to leave and it felt right. I always struggle to leave a job and to start a new job. I do not do well with change and this is a prime example. I paid all my bills on the 6th of March and there was much to do around it. I didn't plan on leaving my job so quickly so all of my plans to pay bills on time killed my bank account. I have bipolar 1 disorder and I am trying my damnedest to be responsible and get my credit up. I have done things to help people in my life and it has hurt me, emotionally and financially.

"Regardless of what challenge you are facing right now, know that it has not come to stay. It has come to pass. During these times, do what you can with what you have, and ask for help if needed. Most importantly, never surrender. Put things in perspective. Take care of yourself. Find ways to replenish your energy, strengthen your faith and fortify yourself from the inside out." ~ Les Brown

So here's how the two tie in. I have been struggling financially since the end of one job and the start of my new job at Pottery Barn. My friend Erin said to me, it's okay to ask for help. I am not great at asking for help, I'd rather be on the deck of a star cruiser in space, have a stroke and crash into an asteroid field than ask for help. I think that's a fair example. I ask my Dad, for help and I am always embarrassed. I want to do this part of my life on my own. No help from Dad and no need for roommates. It's not logical at this moment in life but I hope it will be someday soon. This will be the third time I have had to ask for help from my roommates. I get so ashamed and embarrassed. I would have been fine if there hadn't been a pandemic outbreak happening at the moment. I live with my friend, Matt and this other guy, Rolando. It is the most unideal situation ever and I agreed to it to help my friend out because he was going to either be replaced and kicked out so he thought. So I agreed to move in and I needed a place. I was looking at low-income-affordable living or a potential other roommate situation from a roommate finder. I'd rather live in humble settings than with two other roommates. My living spaces are the kitchen, my room, my closet, and my own bathroom. Should I be grateful? Certainly, yes but I have been through so much since I've moved out from my parents that I just want peace. I don't want suggestions and opinions on how I should live and use my money. I'm working on budgeting and I try to be responsible.

I asked for help with school funding because without help I'm going to stay in poverty, working shitty jobs and working paycheck to paycheck. I'm okay with asking for help like that and trust me that was very stressful as I wrote about before. I want to succeed and I don't want to be a statistic.

Here we are at yesterday, I wanted to show my gratitude to Matt by making dinner. I asked him about ingredients and he asked me where I was, I said I was out and he asked what store. I replied back, that I was at Harris Teeter and then he said, don't spend a lot of money on one meal. Well, it's my money and even if I have $50 dollars after rent, I still want to show gratitude for them helping me. I lashed out at him when he wouldn't drop the questions about the chicken dish that I wanted to make and I said drop it. I do have anger issues that seem to come out when I'm stressed and feel as if my life is somehow being controlled. I feel like this text thread is going to be a slippery slope, where I hide my feelings as in my last roommate experience. It's weird that I hide things and information at this stage in life. It happens when I feel threatened. It's become increasing when I am put in a sibling relationship with a friend, as also in my last roommate relationship. You are not responsible for my money and I was being asked to ask for money from other people because I was going to be short money for rent. We are all in this place in life, this pandemic where I cannot turn to anyone for large sums of money that I would have to payback. That is not ideal and it is stressing me out.

I am a very grateful and prideful human. Those traits abound very much in the story of my life. I have struggled and strived to achieve normalcy or some titrate of normalcy. This moment in my life is just another case of the abnormal that I cannot escape.

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