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State of the Mind Address

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” - unknown

People give me shit about staying at Rooftop 210 or in BMG for as long as I did. I'm a very hopeful individual, I would like to believe that people will look out for you when you're the hardest worker in the industry. I could not succeed in a company that wouldn't allow me to be anything greater than a barback. From the 19th of March til today I have lived the struggle of transitioning into a normal life. I've had sleep anxiety for months during the time I was at Rooftop til even now, I wake up screaming and sweating. It's quite detrimental to one's psychological state of mind, the amount of emotional abuse I took and I felt less love from those I sought acceptance from. I was passed up for bartender and had another barback placed in a leadership role who talked down to me. Never again...

Now onto where my heart is, it's in pain. I shouldn't have been in an affair but I have no regrets. I feel like I ruined someone's life because we were reckless. My mind, body and heart are so torn. My mind is not winning the battle to move on. My heart is so tough that my soul has teamed up against my mind. I want to love her for forever and I will. I don't move on easily it's very hard.  As we used to say, "I want her, need her and crave her."

Now am I happier in life? I am, it's like a weight off my soul being out of the service industry, while it's still tough like I stated before, I am happy. I feel like I'm on the right track to my path that I'm supposed to be on despite people trying to have me do what they want for me.

How I feel about my family... I'm alone... I call my parents twice a day sometimes. I haven't really spoken with my sister in a few weeks for whatever reason she doesn't feel like talking with me, right now. I didn't know my niece's birthday was happening and I missed it so I sent a text to my sister in law about it. Being alone is horrible and all I need next is to have a family again.

I have tons of people in my life but I feel alone still... and feel very disconnected.

It's an interesting combination: Having a great fear of being alone, and having a desperate need for solitude and the solitary experience. That's always been a tug of war for me. - Jodi Foster

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