When I was very young, after I came back to the Harkes, I would hit and pinch my Mom. I can imagine it being rough on her having a little boy that doesn't understand his pain and how to even express it properly. Dad said that she prayed ceaselessly for me to have peace inside. I have had a whole life of internal strife and sleepless nights of emotional pain. Mom was there for me through a lot of it.
It's weird having Mom gone. It's when they moved to Florida that our relationship flourished. I always found it odd and annoying at times when Mom left 3 min voicemails but I miss that now. I wish I had a recording of her voice telling me that she loves me. I have, I believe every card that Mom had sent to me from 2013 until she couldn't send out cards anymore. I have birthday cards, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, just because she was thinking about me, and handwritten letters. She really loved me and wanted me to know that I wasn't alone in this world. She really wanted me to know that I am loved and how special I am not to just them.
I have my graduation cards and a note inside that says, We're proud of you, we know how hard you've worked for today and we love you.
I am now working my way to being special education teacher and it's exciting yet it gives me anxiety because of this semester being exactly how it should have gone. It was a tough semester and Dad says that you knew that working and going to school was going to be hard for me. I'm not everyone else who can do school, get perfect grades and work a full-time job. Mom, I'm trying, I really am and I know I can do better. I remember that you and Dad were proud of me but kept trying to encourage me to learn a trade job. I knew my body's limitations and I knew that I'd have to keep doing it my way. I can remember the conversation where you all came around and said you understood why I kept being persistent on keep going towards my goal of graduating. It meant the world to hear that. I don't know if I'll be as great of a teacher as you were but I love kids; and I'll be their friend, cheerleader and advocate so they can achieve their own potential. You wanted me to live my best life and I'll help those kids live theirs.
Christmas time should always have a special place in my heart and I shouldn't let your passing make me bitter. One of the biggest reasons for keeping Christmas special is that you all kept Christmas up till August when I came home at 5 years old. We always decorated together Christmas because I was the helper even though I gave you crap. I will always try to find Joy in this holiday. Just like the Christmas, I sent you a flamingo with a Santa hat; by the time it got there it was pokng through the box. This Christmas was everything I could ask for with my new roommates being awesome, friends stopping in for a chat, dinner, a movie, and who wouldn't want a little bit of holiday drama because it wouldn't be Christmas. We had a Christmas tree with lights, lights that decorated the house and I finally feel like I can say that my place is my home. I haven't been able to say that since my family moved away.
Everything that I want my parents had. I want to have a family someday and I pray that my wife will be just as amazing as my Mom. Mom loved to entertain, cook, shop, read, and write. She had an enormous heart for children and giving back to the community. She was an advocate for children's rights and was a teacher of many pre-k kids. Her nickname to hundreds of kids was Aunt Myra. She was so loving and kind. She had the best story delivery and as you know that's important to kids, well that and coming up with voices for characters. I want to be like my parents because if they didn't adopt me and invest in me to heal me then I wouldn't be here in front of you today.
I see cardinals at important times that seem trivial at the moment. When I see one now, I pay close attention to it and stop what I'm doing to reflect. Mom, I know you are in heaven but you're still rooting for me to succeed. I know you love me and want the best for me and our relationship wasn't perfect but I do miss you and love you very much. There's a void in my heart and life where you were and as much as I love Dad, he's not you and I've sometimes forgotten that. I love you and I hope I keep making you proud of me.