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She Said

 I would like to think that I'm Spiritual, not religious but I read the religious text called the Bible. I also believe in love and I know that there are definitions of what love is versus what I've been showing to my last girlfriend. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;


She read the greatest love and understood it to be about my love of first sight relationship or in retrospect the girlfriend it's about. The greatest love isn't about said girl but about the feelings around it and they can't be recreated because we are all different people. I understand that that relationship has ended, I hold on to the hope that there can be a love-at-first-sight relationship again. It doesn't have to actually happen but I want to look at the woman I love every day with that feeling. Because in that relationship the feeling went away, and I'll I had was a longing for that feeling again. I want to never go to bed angry, sad, crying, pissed off, or hurt when I say the words I love you to that woman.


I do love this woman very much and there's pain between us. There's a bond that I hope will continue. She's one of the most creative, insightful, passionate, Italians I know and a mom. She struggles, so do most single parents. She also has her own struggles and that's okay, we all do. I do know that she loves me but we don't show it sometimes when we get into arguments and turns into hurt and shouting or hanging up which is wrong. I don't think I've ever had my buttons pushed so much by a girlfriend and I liken the angst of the relationship to the previous one, unfortunately. 


I don't want to make this negative at heart. I care about everything this woman does in and out of my life. She is so talented as mentioned before. I think she deserves the world or at least to be Dutchess of San Fransico. 


I have been irritable and I don't want to be resentful. In the last relationship before her, I have no love for that woman. She was an alcoholic and belligerent towards me in front of her own children. She called me a liar and tried to disprove my bipolar. 


I would love to be in Renee's life for the future in whatever capacity that would benefit us where I still can be emotional support. 


“Love is knowing that your feet carry you to a painful place, and still go anyway.”
― Mitta Xinindlu


I'd like to know that I'll still love her even if we don't have anything to do with each other. I don't want a continuation of painful relationships that string together more pain and hurt. I hate cycles and I believe that sometimes there can be a harmonious ending. No matter what happens with our hearts, I want her to know that I have the best intentions. I don't believe in bringing more harm to those already in pain or bringing pain into people's lives that would cause them to stumble. I do take responsibility for a wake of destruction that ends relationships because it takes two to make the relationship end. I want to know that my feet walk in a loving manner and that I am my own priority, my heart, and my destiny. 

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