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Brinkley

“My heaviest burden is a past I can't change and nightmares that don't know how to forgive and forget.”
― Nitya Prakash

I don't remember anything about the day that I moved in but I remember talking about moving in. I was looking for somewhere to move because my parents decided to move to Florida. I'm reminded every year that it was coming and when it happened. I didn't want to move with them and you had a room I could rent. I am very grateful that I didn't have to move to Florida. 

For a while, I was struggling and I didn't know how to explain my separation anxiety and I didn't even know anymore if we ever talked about my mental health. I do recall you sending your cousin and your friend to have conversations with me about what troubled me. It takes only one knife wound that doesn't heal to hurt a friendship and I'm talking about the night you called me a had a "Welcome Home Nigger" banner and I never spoke of it until I told Jose. I held on to that hurt for a long time because you were helping me out, I thought I owed it to you to never say anything about it. It ate me up inside, I cried a lot and I was frustrated inside how could my friend call me such a hateful word. The nights where I didn't sleep because there would be drunken parties were wrong. I was trying to do the right thing and not feel like a burden but I would go to work exhausted. I would wake up from night terrors because I held in so much hurt and anxiety.

I am sorry that I struggled with many things and wasn't able to have conversations about how I was carrying so much weight. Jose seemed to be there for me to talk me through some stuff but he was just gaining my trust. I'm sorry I was a burden and couldn't make tons of money to get rent paid on time near every month. I'm glad you didn't kick me out. I'm grateful for all of your progress in becoming a better person in five years, dealing with death and the grief that comes with it. I was dealing with so much and having my family far away and that being a few states away made me depressed and fueled my anxiety and cause havoc in my bipolar brain. 

I loved you despite that night because I felt like I owed you. I felt like a servant in the house cleaning up after you, I often told my Dad how frustrated I felt because it felt like you didn't care and I would just clean up after you. It wasn't okay. I was frustrated that you made decisions to increase the cable, keep it and then finally get direct tv. I was frustrated that I was working two jobs and couldn't survive. I may never get to live alone but I deserve it. I work hard and always have. I struggle with not having the ability to voice my frustrations without anger because it builds up and eats me. You hurt me when you didn't support my vision with the charity. I felt like I owed it to you to leave in 2017, I didn't know where I would go but I felt I should stop being a burden to you for a while. I wanted to live in my car and rent a storage unit. I felt so horrible when you demanded I pay you for the short notice and I would have been fine if it was just the utilities. What drove me off the deep end was your final advice to keep me as a roommate. I felt that telling me to give up a dream was a slap in the face. You above all others know how it feels to be told that because you struggle you should give up. I wanted to do what I loved doing and that was to become a visual merchandiser. You told me to sell my car, quit working retail and work for Joey. Joey didn't even have enough steady work at the time to put me to work. If I had sold my car I wouldn't have paid enough to sell it to break even. Also with my credit shot to pieces by giving up my credit card for the car didn't help. I would have been back to taking public transportation.

The overall take away is that I chose friendship with Jose. It was wrong to even help him because I couldn't help myself. You are holding on to feelings of anger because I moved out the wrong way and I understand that. I got burned and used by someone I thought deserved a chance. I was wrong he didn't deserve a chance. He deserved to go to jail and I bailed him out to a tune of $4,100 that I'll never see again. He broke into my house that I moved into and tried to get me kicked out. Then he social media assassinated me and told everyone what I had told just him about the hurt you caused me. I'm sorry that I trusted him.

Five years was too long to live together but I am grateful for the kindness you showed me letting me stay with you. Things won't be the same and these aren't even all of the feelings that I had living there.
I truly loved you and what was our friendship.
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