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Tired of Being a Hero

I told my friend Erin today that I'm tired of being a good person. She's really insightful as she is still learning about herself. She has an ability to offer great insight which is great to be able to say something that is a real feeling and have it not invalidated. I didn't ask for advice but I got some great perspective from her.

“Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.” ~ David Deida

This quote is about the ENFJ personality type. I have spent quite a bit of time these past two weeks on this subject. It's great for introspective. 

"Protagonists are natural-born leaders, full of passion and charisma. Forming around two percent of the population, they are oftentimes our politicians, our coaches, and our teachers, reaching out and inspiring others to achieve and to do good in the world. With a natural confidence that begets influence, Protagonists take a great deal of pride and joy in guiding others to work together to improve themselves and their community." ~ ENFJ

I have a problem with this and my bipolar. I feel joy in helping people. I have been a team leader and been team lead on school projects. After being a team leader for hosts at a sports bar was like a learning experience. I don't want to teach adults anymore. This isn't about teaching anyone. This is about doing the right thing. I'm tired of doing the right thing. It's tiring and I have done some amazing things that have hurt me in the end. 

"Too Selfless – Protagonists can bury themselves in their hopeful promises, feeling others’ problems as their own and striving hard to meet their word. If they aren’t careful, they can spread themselves too thin, and be left unable to help anyone." ~ ENFJ

This is about doing the right thing and feeling as if it was all for naught. I had this friend Crystal whom I worked with at Sam's Club in Matthews. We liked each other and had developed a relationship after working together. Her bf at the time was being abusive towards her. This was my first time with the encounter of domestic violence being brought to me by a friend. From what I recall from this story is that she was coming to me and crying about the abuse and then would go back to him. I said if there's anything I can do I will help. But it was always a cycle with her of crying about it and consoling her. (Steps away) I understand that domestic violence is serious and it takes a long time to get out of a situation because there are always layers to every relationship. (Back to the story) In the grand scheme of things I wanted to save her from her problem but I realized that it's not my place to save you from your relationship. I can listen but I can't become invested. The way this end is that I ended up at her apartment and for whatever reason, I shouldn't have been there. Her bf came in and we got into the craziest fight I've ever been in. What was the purpose of that fight, nothing!!! It solved nothing, I beat the crap out of him, he pulled a gun on me and the police were called. There was nothing resolved and she stayed with him and eventually got married to the guy because they ended up having a baby together. I learned that it isn't my place in this situation to play the hero. I cannot save you. 

I had this self-proclaimed "best friend" who I had helped so many times that you would have thought I was enabling him. He used me to the tune of $4,100 that is such a crazy number to lend a friend. He played to my heart. He played that I loved his mom and that he took care of her because his family didn't want to help them out. I felt that everyone deserves a chance to survive but the reality in this is that he deserved to go to jail. He should have done time because he endangered two females' lives driving them on the back of his scooter. I was only seeing he takes care of his mom and where will she go. She wasn't going to be homeless and she would have been taken care of by her other family members. This guy pushed and pushed and I resisted but his sociopathic ways won. He broke me down. I helped someone and it blew up on me. We also went into an apartment lease together and it almost cost me my own chance of having my own place in the future. I have just started writing about the damage caused. I had to learn that it's okay to say no. I can honestly not help friends financially, my future is important too. My financial independence has to come before helping my friends. I need to worry about my life first but I'll do my best to pick you up.

So my friend Erin has epic insight and I'll end it with how sometimes you need to be an active listener. I may not always agree with everything my friends say but she has great insight into the human condition. 
"I have found the only way to make it better is by finding what lesson have I learned by the part I played. And, I feel that is God speaking to me so I feel closer to him. And, hopefully, it's a lesson I'll be able to live by in hopes to enrich my life of more happiness. Yes, it stings. The act of letting go is an art. I'm still learning." ~ My Friend Erin

I need to let things go and writing, I told my friend, is therapeutic. It helps me put into words the events and feelings that have happened. I get to look at them and analyze them. I can move things into the right timeline so I can effectively use the information that has happened to learn from it. I practice letting go of things by writing about it and releasing it. Unfortunately, my life involves so many other people who are active in it but it's my life and I hope to show them in all kinds of reality. 

Doing the right thing has consequences just as doing the wrong thing. I may be tired of doing the right thing all the time but that doesn't mean I'll stop doing the right thing. I need to keep my moral compass pointed in the right direction and stay the course.

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