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I Wish You The Best

“There were many, many times thereafter that Don regretted having enlisted - but so has every man who ever volunteered for military service.”
Robert A. Heinlein, Between Planets

It was the summer of 2002, I just had my college career was over as I thought it was so,
I wanted a new life.

I was struggling with an ongoing change inside of me. I had already manifested bipolar.
I was interested in the idea of military service. People who join the military have many reasons some are noble, some are nefarious, some are based on a plea deal, and others a way to help get a new life.

My choices were I wanted to have a new life and I did love my country very much. I went to the recruiting office of the Marines here in Charlotte. It was a sad day, I didn't get my chance to serve my country like others in my family. I was immensely hurt. I have found that when my bipolar gets in my way, the chip on my shoulder grows and the weight of having bipolar grows heavier. It wasn't fair I felt. I think because I was young, I probably took it pretty rough. I'm sure I sulked for a while. Bipolar has probably saved my life from battle and hurting others. I surely would have developed war PTSD because I already had childhood PTSD.

I had such a deep resentment because I had been rejected and I was very selfish for a long time when it came to being patriotic. I half-heartedly stood there for our national anthem always with my hand over my chest but I was essentially a person who would have taken a knee. For the longest time, I never ever thanked servicemen and women for their service and I still think some are entitled because people are people, and joining the military doesn't make you brave or loyal to your country. I loved my country and I was rejected by her.

I've come across some really entitled fools, working in retail and also have rubbed me the wrong way about expecting a discount for goods or services and if they don't get them they pout and huff and puff. You know I wanted to join the Maries for a better life mostly but I wouldn't have felt like anyone owed me a discount or a free sandwich. It is what it is. I made the decision I wasn't forced like our grandparents. When you freely give of yourself you are owed respect and to be taken care of by your employer not to get free stuff.

In 2017, I stopped drinking alcohol. The world changed soon after for me. I understood that it wasn't bipolar that stopped me it was God closing a door and probably was a good thing in this instance that I didn't get to be a marine. I also have a mentor that is a marine and I love him very much. I saw selflessness in him and he's what a patriot looks like. I changed and I've seen many things differently after quitting drinking. I see the bigger picture now. It's okay to thank our armed services and many have left their lives behind to join something bigger than themselves. All of them deserve our thanks.

I love my country and I was recently asked by a marine if I was a marine and I proudly said no but I wanted to be one and it just didn't work out. He said that's okay and thank you, and I felt like changing my perspective was for the best.

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