My life in Quotes

  Friends,      It's been a while since we've spoken. The semester is at a close, with 2 weeks left and I've put in almost 2 years into my attempt to break what I thought would be a curse. I struggle with money, social cues, dating, being shy, (believe it or not), and asking for help. I'm proud of myself for maintaining friendships and creating new ones. I'm proud of my courage to sing karaoke without liquid courage. I'm proud of my grades. I am proud of myself in that I have made some friends in my program which has made school easier. This semester I ran for student government and I have an upcoming interview for The Student Advisory Board for the disability department at UNCC. I've come a long way in that I have constant anxiety that three strikes and I'm out. That's the negative side of my brain. In reality, it should be, Third times the charm.      Having friends on campus and wanting to do big things in the campus community has helped me even

  Joshua Harke’s Teaching Philosophy Introduction In 2019, I decided to go back to Central Piedmont Community College to get a transfer degree so I could return to UNC Charlotte as a pre-teaching student. I chose teaching because my marketing associate degree wasn’t cutting it as a career. I want to be a teacher because I want to give back to the community and be an advocate for the voiceless. I decided that I would like to become a teacher, in high school. I wanted to be a history teacher or a physical therapist and those are very different professions. I was a teacher aid for the PE teacher for 2 nd and 3 rd graders and 7 th and 8 th graders. I was a natural with the elementary kids. My family has an abundance of teachers in the lines of the Harke’s and Hughson’s. My mom was a teacher/administrator of a preschool up in Syracuse, New York called Little Lamb. She would read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Suess, and they would serve green eggs and ham to the kids that day. I was al

 I wrote an entry that spoke to Amazon being the savior of retail. Not only was I wrong in regards to people having to work more on Thanksgiving but it made people crazier. The giant known as Amazon treats its employees with an unbiased and shitty disdain and I have friends that have worked or work for Amazon. The real savior of the holiday season/Black Friday is Covid and the Great Resignation. I never thought I would see stores like Walmart, Target, Best Buy, Belk, and so on be closed on the eve of Black Friday. I love it. My retail friends actually got to spend time with their families and that means more than angsty customers shopping for a deal and forgetting to treat workers with dignity and respect that they were there being mistreated by bad customers for longer shifts than normal. What a magical time to be alive.  I hope that the job market learns from this holiday season and as people return back to work during the pandemic that employees get treated better than ever before.

 Originally when I titled this entry I was obsessed with death or my own death. I wished I was dead and boy did I ever. I would think about getting t-boned by a tractor-trailer or flipping my car off the embankment. I am sober because of health reasons and that I would kill myself with alcohol and pills. It's a somber thought to think about. I also titled this entry because I binged "The Good Place" and it resonated with me as did it make me happy. “Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I’m gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.” – Michael,  The Good Place I take a cocktail of meds and I haven't been thinking about death nearly as much. I feel like I'm winning and that possibly I'm in a good place. I take Vraylar, Lamictal, Zoloft, and Trazadone for sleep. They seem to be working together very w

I've realized by me wanting to be a father and a husband that I need to let go of the past. "Let go of the past, but keep the lessons it taught you. "–Chiara Gizzi – Something that the past cannot give me is love, especially since my memories revolve around pain and suffering. There are so many positive events with people that love me or loved me. Sometimes you just need to let go. I've been working so hard to let go of the hurt that was inflicted by people whom I thought loved me. I'm making one more declaration. I will let go of past romantic relationships for good or bad. "The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." -Steve Maraboli I have to let go of anyone I've ever given my heart to romantically. It's hard to let go of the pain and pleasure that was a part of those relationships. None of them from the past can give me

Happy Father's day to the biggest influence in my life. It's not because you adopted me. It's because you cultivated what was in me. You told me if you want to play ice hockey, you need to learn to skate... I was a natural because I needed the basic fundamentals I learned. My dad assistant coached a few years of baseball. I was that typical daisy picking kid in center field but we stuck it out and I became a great catcher and center fielder.  When I got very ill in my freshman year he was like... I wish you didn't live on campus but he still let me come home. You are the honest reason I want to be a Dad. Through all the ups and downs life has thrown me, you are always there. I don't enjoy politics but I still let you ramble on. You may not be Mom but you're what I need in a Dad.  Whenever there are dads playing silly games with their kids I'm like I want that. I want to be like him. I understand it costs a lot of time and money to adopt me but I'm glad y

  Subject She called out to you. Looked out the window next to the door. Will you ever come back was the thought. So overcome with emotion she opened the door. Lying on the pavement was my body. Covered in dirt, lying on the ground. As I was lying there, I wanted to be picked up. My Father picked me up in his hands. Brushed off the dirt on my face and kissed my forehead. The sole purpose to be picked up was to go back. I wanted to be saved from my life. Selfish mortal was I. Sent back to the ground, I leaped into the air. Time has not ended for me. Mother in tears smiled upon me. Father in the skies cried for me. I left grace and found a new chance. Time isn’t mine, we are all subject. Time is no mans.

  Stronger Than You Hating this pain, Wishing it would all go away, Nothing seems to stay even you will go away... Nothing lasts forever and neither will this... sigh...   Oh and congratulations on failure, This is how I'm stronger than you... Never have backed down from the lies and torture and anguish This will distinguish who is stronger, me or you.

  Talk We have a message. It’s this, that we all have life. Have a life. No, we have life. Something was breathed into us. Something animated us into action. Playing hide and seek in the womb. To teaching the very young. To playing soccer in the streets. To working on a scaffolding outside of a megalith. To climbing the silk ropes of Cirque du Soleil. To living in a hovel handing out bread to the misfortunate. It’s about what you are doing with that life you were entrusted with. That’s what this existence is about. Respect this life. There is only one.

  When It Rains It is raining outside. She says. It is raining outside? How do you know that it is? It is raining outside. For a moment in time we decide. I sometimes stay inside and look out the door. I sometimes rush outside to feel the beads of love. It is raining outside. I want to be kissed and washed with that kind of love. Could we dance in the rain? It is raining outside. I want to run around in it. I want to jump in every puddle like I was a youth again. Well, it is just rain. The best rain is when there is a rainbow. It is raining outside.

  The Most Fun Kind of Anxiety The world hurts. What does that mean? The world can feel. It cries just like you and I. I miss your touch. I have not felt the embrace in ages. Ages you say. Ages are not your touch but the feeling of being touched. All anxiety disappears when I am with you. I love the embrace the world can give. I miss the field near my childhood home. It was golden. It only needed a few trims a year. It gave the most amazing feelings ever. Just lying in it and rolling around. Could philosophers have rolled around in my field? Could I be a philosopher? I have often found myself relating. I have never wanted something again like what I have with you. I want to lie in a field of gold again. I would share my field with you. I want to feel that embrace. I want the embrace that erases my anxiety. I need that kind of love.

  You Only Hear in Whispers Hush! They might hear us. What does it matter? If they know we are here they might take us somewhere. Come closer. Whisper to me. I’m not going to tell you to whisper sweet nothings. Or tell me anything that is just jive. Oh okay. Give me just a few minutes to get ready. Get ready for what? I can do anything with you by my side. I said nothing sweet. I said the truth. Therein lays the conflict. Get away from me. They are here. I was whispering. I am ready for all of the torment. I have prepared all my life for this day. When I wear white and you wear your top hat. Tails and dreams are all behind us. Through your eyes lies the whisper.   Just whisper to me.

  The art of Being Me Blowing out the side walls of the heart. Walking through the rubble. Examining the dust and rubble. This is not a love story. This is a renovation story. One year and many days from last November. There was a tragic accident. My heart was broken. Then I felt it would take six more years to find this feeling again. I like to believe my heart will stop racing someday. I am breaking down walls in my heart just for reconstruction. Getting ready for you. Rapidly speeding thoughts and emotions. I believe this is a manic moment. Manic moments are the best. Creativity spews from my essence. One day my heart will stop beating. But my essence, my creativity will live on in my offspring. The only thing I fear about them being me. I fear them being me. Manic, wild, creative, live wires just like me. So about that reconstruction, it cannot wait. Maybe just a moment, so I can rest my mind. Maybe I will just sip on some time.

 I walked through a doorway every day where there was evil and adorned through the house were skulls, the air was thick with evil and it was heavy with pain. That is the feeling I felt for almost a year of living with my former friend Nicole. She carried a heavy burden that I've never told and won't tell for it's not my business to tell her pain. We stopped being friends during the time that I lived with her. She made it very clear that when I lost my job paying rent was the most important thing to her and not how I felt. She constantly told me it's just business and I felt like a tenant that was torn between a shitty friend and a shitty landlord. She was so condescending towards me from day one where she was worried about all of her stuff that might get damaged from me moving in. I had to pay for the cover for the guest bed that was to be put in the garage because I wanted to sleep on my own bed. She was so concerned that I would ruin the garbage disposal that she flew

 This is a discussion that I posted in my Sociology of Education class here at UNCC and the dialogue following. 1. I think that today in the climate of education being a minority can have its advantages for education. I feel that being a mixed male special education teaching student might afford me a better chance to obtain job placement when I graduate and being that there are fewer males in elementary teaching roles now. That's my intersectionality. I believe that the demand for minority teachers is good for me but they shouldn't place a male in a teaching role if they're not qualified same as a woman, it just so happens that it's a role that is needed to be filled in society. 2. Attention should most certainly be given to economic segregation. It should be addressed but as the problem that whites have been afforded a head start in the game. It's like a video I just watched in Child Psych. If we as a society could get over living in white-walled neighborhoods wher

  I'm constantly reminded every morning that I have a disease. I take a few little pills that make life relatively easier. Today isn't one of those days. I'm super frustrated, sad, and have a crazy headache. It's not that I enjoy talking about the reality of what goes on in my brain, this is new the talking about it, within the past couple of years. It's like tons of information got held back and for a while, I just talked and talked. I've gone through a lot and I'm really proud of myself for working hard and getting back into school last spring. I'm proud of how hard I work at simple life tasks that people take for granted. I'm proud of how hard I work just at a job and what I hope is seen by employers as my integrity. I'm really proud of being able to coach kids in flag football and how much I really enjoy it. Life is much better than it was even 2 years ago to a year ago. I keep moving forward and marching towards a brighter future. A lot of

 I would like to think that I'm Spiritual, not religious but I read the religious text called the Bible. I also believe in love and I know that there are definitions of what love is versus what I've been showing to my last girlfriend.  1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; She read the greatest love and understood it to be about my love of first sight relationship or in retrospect the girlfriend it's about. The greatest love isn't about said girl but about the feelings around it and they can't be recreated because we are all different people. I understand that that relationship has ended, I hold on to the hope that there can be a love-at-first-sight relationship again. It doesn't have to actually happen but I want to look at the woman I love every day with that feeling. Because in that relationship the feeling went away, and I

  I want to share a lesson I learned a couple of days ago that I've been thinking about very hard. Society as a whole doesn't believe in forgiveness that's why people are walking around hurt all of the time, including me, even though I believe in it. I was speaking with my friend's kid about these boys in her neighborhood. The boys killed a turtle and that's why she didn't like the boys. I took her to Target after the encounter with the boys playing with her dogs. I said part of the problem with that interaction with them being interested in you is that they don't remember that you know about the turtle and that you reacted out of anger towards them being friendly. Then I said have you ever thought about forgiving them? She said I can't killing a turtle is not okay, I said, truth. I said but that's not okay to not forgive when they weren't even being hostile towards you. BTW, she shut me down after that and didn't want to hear anymore. For m

  R&D - Mod4: How We Study Development   You read in a parenting magazine that hearing the music of Mozart might enhance young children's cognitive abilities and improve performance on intelligence tests (often termed "The Mozart Effect"). How could you design a study to investigate the credibility of this claim? As you describe your study, be sure to specify the following: 1.      The research design - experimental or correlational? If experimental, remember to state the IVs and DVs. This research is correlational and experimental, the testing is needed to draw conclusions and is the DV. The children all being 6 years old are the IV. 2. The methodology (How old will your participants be? What will participants do?  What data will you collect and how?) My participants would be 6 years old so that the children are all on the same playing field in the control. I will have them split into two classes and they will study for an hour listening to a playlist made

Slip into my soul. Save my nights from the horde. It’s four in the morning. Save me from the nightmarish dreams. Blow the winds of change. Stir my soul. Save me, save me, don’t let me go. Hold me, hold me, and don’t let me go home. Test my mind. Free my soul, don’t let them get me. It’s six in the morning. I haven’t been to sleep. I worry about things like wood nymphs and water sprites. They were dancing, singing, stirring in the night. Yet they were not the cause of my night terrors. Lies and deceit are the cause of it all. If I come clean my soul will rest. No more spirits evil or good. No more lies of being strapped to my bed. No more spikes tacked to my heart. I have broken free of my shackles. Now it’s a thing were I confess and find peace. This poem is pretty clear about my mental anguish that I go though. I hate that many people with bipolar or other mental illness crave basic human needs and can't have them because inside our heads th

 On The Warpath to Love I have never fasted before. I am considering it for the journey is long. I have thought that the journey will be the easiest part. The preparations are the struggle. Being without what I need has become just the everyday. I haven’t really been loved in a few years. Not as much as not loved but in love. Saying and feeling how I feel are two different things. I could have given up when others have given up on me. I feel sad but not discouraged. Even though you have gone away you are close to my heart. When I see you, you will be the one who will be the most surprised. I already feel my heart growing fonder and bigger. Pumping more blood and feeling stronger for you. It’s been a few days and I’m already inspired to write for you. We said, “We have love for each other”. It is true. I will break free of any fears to bring you back. It is true. There are no truer words than “I love you”. I march a twenty-eight day trek to brin

  Like Me, Like I, Like You, Like Us I cannot get enough of you, We made so many sandcastles, growing up. Now I am mad when I think about those sandcastles. You smashed the very first one. Should have given up on us after that. Then I realized that the tide would have just done the same. Faced the fact that you really liked me when I when I made that decision to be your friend or did you make the decision to be my friend. Who cares things are not always perfect like that day but going forward I really like the way we are. This poem is about my best friend leaving me in 2011 but it was written in 2012. It kind of foreshadowed the future that exists now. We are best friends and bros again. It means the world to me that he is in my life. I’m very proud of who we have become and things came around.

The greatest feeling that a human can have above all other feelings is love. We have fought wars for the love of a single woman, protest wars in the name of peace and love, give little chalk candies with sayings on them, in elementary school we give little paper Valentine's to the entire class but sneak in a special card for the cutest girl in our class that we can't stop staring at, we give boxes of chocolates, buy $100+ bouquets of roses, create life and say, this is what I've been missing my entire life as that small person grabs your finger for the first time, we get drunk in bars and scream, I love you man! And above all, we say that getting butterflies is a sign of knowing that there's that feeling that special feeling where you know without a shadow of a doubt that she's the one. If you've loved and lost or never have been in love here's to the most expensive couples day ever created.  Oh, we spend thousands of dollars on a ring and formulate that we

 You know, Jasper, they say we are sons of Syracuse. I love Charlotte, this is my home, buddy and I'm sure you would have loved it too if you got to grow up. The city has changed so much since you were little. There are more tall buildings with amazing lights that change colors, greenways that even your wheelchair could travel on, and lots more beautiful parks, that we could people watch together. After you passed away we lived in our house in Matthews for two more years then we moved to the North Charlotte area. You would have loved the new house. It had a deck but the downside is that you weren't there. You would have loved seeing Matty all grown up and running through the neighborhood. He was quick as lightning. He was always your dog even after you were gone. I hope you get to play with him up in heaven. He was so fluffy, he was perfect for you. I picture you two playing ball and cuddling up there. It wasn't fair that you had your life cut short but I promised you that